I'm not worried
I've had more than one person tell me that they have read my blog, and are worried about me. I find this as curious as someone asking me if I'm happy. I do believe that happiness is from within and that only you have the power to change the way you feel... but I am puzzled by the expectation that one should seek to be happy everyday.
I don't worry about me. At least not in the sense of "Are you okay?"... Because I am okay. I'm always okay. While that might be a dismissive defense, it's also very true. I might not be happy everyday, but overall I'm content with where I am at this point in my journey. I'm happier than I was six months ago. I may be seeking purpose and feeling lost, but I'm doing so from a position of coherent consideration. I'm not wandering in a daze. I feel. I think. I experience. I write. I grow.
Sometimes I miss the naivety of years past. But innocence didn't prevent injury; it didn't erase betrayal or lessen the pain of a broken heart. Perhaps I seem more jaded than others, but while I reminisce of the days of pure crushes and trust, I also remember that with the affection came disappointment, and growth.
Do friends worry about me because I am expressing hurt and vulnerability? I cherish that I can feel, that I am no longer totally numb. To shed tears is progress. I love my friends, and my family. I’m very much looking forward to going home and reintegrating into reality. I know I am hesitant to participate in ‘real life’ at the moment, but I know the process to change that. Yes, I am lonely but I’m not afraid to be alone. Yes, I am envious of people that have pure intimacy and romantic love, but I don’t resent that I am not there. Our paths are different, priorities diverse, and experiences unique.
I do wonder how I will resolve my defenses, and when. I know I’m isolated and protective. I am very aware of how terrified I am of intimacy, and of how much I mistrust intentions.
I believe that through personal reflection and awareness I will learn to move beyond this point. I have never been static, and I don’t intend to start. If anti-social and philosophical is where I am at this moment, then so be it.
I’m not worried.
I don't worry about me. At least not in the sense of "Are you okay?"... Because I am okay. I'm always okay. While that might be a dismissive defense, it's also very true. I might not be happy everyday, but overall I'm content with where I am at this point in my journey. I'm happier than I was six months ago. I may be seeking purpose and feeling lost, but I'm doing so from a position of coherent consideration. I'm not wandering in a daze. I feel. I think. I experience. I write. I grow.
Sometimes I miss the naivety of years past. But innocence didn't prevent injury; it didn't erase betrayal or lessen the pain of a broken heart. Perhaps I seem more jaded than others, but while I reminisce of the days of pure crushes and trust, I also remember that with the affection came disappointment, and growth.
Do friends worry about me because I am expressing hurt and vulnerability? I cherish that I can feel, that I am no longer totally numb. To shed tears is progress. I love my friends, and my family. I’m very much looking forward to going home and reintegrating into reality. I know I am hesitant to participate in ‘real life’ at the moment, but I know the process to change that. Yes, I am lonely but I’m not afraid to be alone. Yes, I am envious of people that have pure intimacy and romantic love, but I don’t resent that I am not there. Our paths are different, priorities diverse, and experiences unique.
I do wonder how I will resolve my defenses, and when. I know I’m isolated and protective. I am very aware of how terrified I am of intimacy, and of how much I mistrust intentions.
I believe that through personal reflection and awareness I will learn to move beyond this point. I have never been static, and I don’t intend to start. If anti-social and philosophical is where I am at this moment, then so be it.
I’m not worried.
posted by Ryann @ 01:23
10 Comments:
At 6:38 AM,
Cairde said…
I know what you mean about people thinking there is something terrible wrong after reading "a less than excited about life" blog. I contemplated not writing anymore because it seemed my blogs were too serious and I did not have anything spectacular to write about. At this point in my life I am trying to learn more about myself and my relationship with people around me. Friends check on me daily, asking if I doing alright. I say "I am fine". I am fine, I have a job, friends, my horses and dogs...so I am not genuinely optimistic about anything at the moment, I am still fine. We all have ups and downs, times when we are ready to face the world and times we just want to be left alone. If you start blogging that all you do each day is sit around in your pajamas w/ a bottle of vodka under your arm, then I will worry. :)
At 9:31 AM,
Ryann said…
sounds like a plan. I'll worry about you when you're too busy staring at the ceiling to visit your horses
At 11:04 AM,
Sarah is here for the sandwiches said…
im not worried about you. you sound like youre becoming more confident about your emotions and that's amazing. and everyone gets lonely and confused. i think blogging about all the negative things youre going through is so much braver than my strategy, which is denial, denial, denial.
At 12:45 PM,
Gadzie said…
I could write for hours on the dynamic of a blog/journal and how useful and helpful it can be. I am more amused by your writings than worried. I think you have a very strong head on your shoulders and I got all that from just reading your blog. I am not quite sure I understand where your friends may have read into your blogging as a cry for help. A very good friend of mine said "The human experience is not a unique experience." Everyone at some point has experienced the same thing that someone else may have or be experiencing. Caught your finger in a door? Stubbed your toe? Cried at a DAMN Disney film? (Damn them to hell! Always catch me off gaurd too..) I do enjoy your rantings about men as well. While I am a man myself and have been guilty of many dumb things, its nice to hear that I'm not the only one and I can learn from it all.
At 7:46 PM,
thatgirl said…
I'm not worried about you either. You seem like a very smart and emotionally aware person. I've run into people who ask if I'm happy and sometimes it seems like they really want me to say no, I'm not happy. I never quite figured out why. Anyway, I read through your blog and there are days when you're angry, days when you're lonely, and days when you're happy. You sound like a normal, healthy human being, like you said no one's happy all the time (except this one girl that I work with). You seem to be extremely strong too and I really admire that. You're cool.
At 8:44 PM,
Sarah is here for the sandwiches said…
oh man i totally cry in disney films.
yesterday i cried at a geico commercial. it might be the medication.
At 11:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
I don't consider worry or concern necessarily a bad thing. It's more an expression of careing about someone else. For example, I do know you're quite capable of taking care of yourself, but that doesn't mean others are without feelings of empathy towards the situations you're writing about.
At 3:26 AM,
Ryann said…
anyone who doesn't cry at bambi or the lion king is made of stone I say
At 4:52 AM,
Cairde said…
I can't deny crying. Each installment of "The Lord of the Rings" got me at least twice. Not easy to exercise on an elliptical with tears streaming down. :)
At 7:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
I've been okay for as long as I can remember and you know what?... It's NOT okay anymore!!!
I'm sick to freak'in death of being OKAY.
I want more than that. And in order for me to have more than that I have to take risks.
RISK.
I might as well say "stand in a roomfull of people with no clothes on" (GO Ryann!!!)
Cause that is what risk to me feels like. Everyones is different and just as scary. It's all perspective. Or, lack thereof.
Oh ya and I figgin cry at everything these days...too close to the surface and no place to hide!
I've been in "comfortable pain" for 5 years and it does not work anymore. (Thank you Beloved)
The comfort in my pain is far too uncomfortable for me and its RISK that I desire.
Love you Ryann!
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