Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Waiting for divine intervention

I warn you, this will not be the last time I circle around this topic...

I went to a Grey Cup party this afternoon with a friend (great game btw, even if you're like me and couldn't care less about football). It was a lovely afternoon, but I was very much reminded of how lost I am. I spend my days having repetitive surface conversations with strangers. But today I sat in a room of people, and for the first time in weeks I was aware of how unique my life is. I have become so comfortable in my alter ego, I falter when asked my name. I have always been outgoing and social, yet I find myself not wanting to talk, not wanting to be social, not wanting to participate in society. I don't want to explain myself, or bother to get to know people I won’t see again. I hesitated to answer such simple questions because it sounds so bizarre.

"Where do you live?"
... um... well... everything I own is in storage, in too many different cities, and I'm only ever 'home' for a couple weeks at a time. I don't live there, I don't work there...

"How long are you in town?"
a week.
"When are you back in town"
... two months? three months... not really sure.

Perhaps no one considers their life normal, but mine is certainly nothing even resembling a normal life. I have become so detached from the day-to-day reality where people have a social group of friends, careers, weekends off, a loving partner to share their day with, families, and the ability to make plans in advance.

I'm lost. I'm confused, and I'm wandering, waiting, wishing for some divine intervention to point me in the right direction. I want a meaningful and fulfilling career. I want to make a difference... I want something. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do. A year ago I thought I wanted to be a doctor. But the world ended, and everything changed... What do you do after the universe implodes?

History of my ‘adult’ life... well…

Art school. diploma in visual art, mostly photography, used it as my minor.
Bachelor of Arts. liberal studies major. Wrote a lot, read a lot, debated a lot. Wandered around Italy for a few weeks, wrote more essays.
Worked as a photographer for many years, in and out of school.
Debated becoming a paramedic. Decided no.
Worked as an industrial paramedic.
Decided I should go to medical school... went back to school for science.
Dropped school to move home and suffered in a daze as I watched over my best-friend as he died of cancer...
Went back to photography.
In the haze of grief and survival I started dancing.

I feel weak admitting my lack of direction. I’m lost. Sure, I'm paying off my undergrad and saving for whatever life has yet to reveal to me. I hope I find direction soon. I'm having fun and learning an incredible amount about myself and human nature... but homeless, aimless, wandering feels so... well... aimless.

Oh vast universe... what is my purpose?

(the dancer from the fire is rumoured to have made it home alive, but other lives have been lost in the fire. prayers.)


  • At 4:50 AM, Blogger Cairde said…

    Ryann....don't feel alone in your sense of being lost. Though I have a home, job, and friends I can see each day, I still have no idea what I want to do or who I want to be. Many of my friends feel just as lost. We did what was expected...graduated high school, went to college, received good grades, got our diplomas...then what? I fell into each of my past employment opportunities, but none have felt right. A friend of mine hasn't worked in years after caring for her dying Mother, she is so lost I fear for her sanity. Though I never became fully part of any establishment for which I worked, I have learned a lot from the people I met. I have decided that is the purpose to my life, to learn as much as I can before I die. I will be 29yrs old in a month and though that is not old, I feel like life is going by so fast. If only I could go back to school and hide behind a pile of books, pushing off any decision making about my future. It's getting late and I have no clue. So, don't feel alone. Your life is quite different as far as your moving about and you actual means of making a living, but in the end you are like many young people who just have no idea what they want to be when they grow up.

  • At 3:10 PM, Blogger Gadzilla said…

    Everyone is searching for miracles in their lives. Most of the time the biggest miracle of life is over looked. Life itself is a miracle. Breathing is a miracle! Show me one person that can truly appreciate a breath of air. A person with Asthma can or someone that nearly drowned can.

    Before I run off on a tangent..

    Here is your first miracle that you shouldn't overlook.. Your blog has made you a new friend.

    I never went to college as my parents had hoped and wanted. I've worked various jobs.. and never got into what I really wanted to. Electronics and Computers are my passion. I also dabble with mechanics. I have yet to find a direction.. and somedays I feel lazy for it.

    Hope my comments helped..

  • At 5:00 PM, Anonymous muskokagrrl said…

    Ryann, you are a fabulous, beautiful and incredibly strong woman. You're just having one of those days that unfortunately we all have to have.
    At 29 i have no sense of direction either,most people I know at this age dont, and the others .... are just pretending, living in glass houses. You are going on with your life in the best way you see how right now, and its working for you. You look great, you're paying your bills and Im sure you're having a helluva experience. I think most women would dance if they had the balls.
    Keep being you, stay strong , and dont let the losers bring you down , they are more lost than we will ever be, only they're too stupid to realize it.
    Have safe and happy travels!


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