Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

A moment

I'm sitting in Starbucks listening to a jazz version of "Jingle bell rock". It drowns out the subtle noises of other patrons. Two people are reading books, the starbucks guy is restocking lids, and another guy appears to have fallen asleep in the comfy chair. A young couple is quietly talking in the corner. Her body is turned towards him and she's fidgeting with her jacket. He's wearing a seashell/ hemp necklace and a hoodie. It reminds me of someone. Actually it reminds me of a moment, a moment of attraction and nervousness. It reminds me of love.

Two teenage girls just walked in. They both ordered cold drinks with lots of whipped cream and wrapped their scarves around tighter before wandering back outside into the darkness. I often wonder how so many people can appear so happy, and yet struggle so much. I especially wonder about teens. Are those girls happy? Do they have a loving home? What secrets do they think about while staring at the ceiling? Perhaps I'm morbid, but I've seen and heard too much. Teen suicide sucks. Correction: all suicides suck. Friends dying sucks. Sometimes I wonder how these kids find the strength to make it through their teen years. I wonder what could have been done to prevent the loss of the ones that didn't. I wonder how I got so lucky to make it through those tumultuous years with mental and emotional health.

Yet another teenage girl has been hospitalized after a suicide attempt, thanks to a delicate and courageous fifteen year old girl that found the strength to call 911. It's not the first time I've seen it happen, and I know it won't be the last. I just wish that a few more calls could have been made, a few more cries heard, and a few more lives saved. MSN is a curious social crutch. So many people will type what they fear to speak. So many people will cry for help, for friendship, for safety through their computer.

Who is it that we expect will answer? Friends? Strangers? Angels? Crying out to the universe... What incredible good fortune when someone does answer.

It's nearing on Christmas and I'm getting nervous. Just a reminder in the back of my mind that my dear friend will not be there this year. I know I will cry Christmas Eve sitting in the pew. I almost welcome it. It's a moment that must be lived, an emotion that must be internalized, a process... I know there will be joy, and I know my heart will ache.

I'm almost home...


  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger Cairde said…

    It has always amazed me how a holiday which is hyped up to be one of great joy and celebration is a time in which many people are the most sad. Cry for your friend...in a time when we rush around, forgetting why we are supposed to be celebrating mourning/missing someone can be one of the most sincere forms of celebration of life that we have.


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