Part two

Who am I... part two

Tell everyone. Tell no one. Well this is why I flip with every different person.

Advice I hate.

Cheer up- why? Isn’t sadness as real an experience as joy?
Don’t ever change who you are- what? And stay stagnant? I should hope I change and grow.
Be honest- overrated.

I don't question or doubt my friends. Those who know and love me are accepting and wonderful. But I don't use "friends" when referring to people I'm uncomfortable talking to about my job. I don't strut down the street yelling "I'm a stripper" to strangers. But those people in the middle... maybe hung out a couple times, friends of friends, old coworkers... I believe the word would be acquaintance.

They know my real name; perhaps know a bit of my background enough to assume something. They know one of my friends, maybe met me while out for a drink... But, they do not know me. They do not have my number. I would not invite them out. But, these are people I cross paths with in social scenarios on a semi-regular basis. As such, they tend to know about my job... unless I lie. It is in those moments, when I am me, that I question being honest. It is in those moments, when I'm not the stripper, which my defenses are down.

So... I could stay anti-social.

When I think of being social I think of groups of people, I may or may not know, talking and drinking together. I prefer intimate situations with close friends.

I understand my job. I understand my role as a fantasy, and I embrace it. I choose to do it. When I am Ryann I am in a professional role as a product. When I answer to Ryann I expect people to know me in that context. I don't care what people think while I'm working. I'm talking about people who have never seen my show, who know nothing about my job outside of "stripper = nymphoslut" and treat me like a prize to be fucked while out for dinner.

What makes a person jaded? A lack of understanding and compassion. A void that craves to be filled with anything but assumptions and disappointment. A repetition of unfortunate expectations. Yes, I'm jaded... but not destroyed.

I enjoyed a beautiful moment today. It was an afternoon of comfort, understanding, respect, and friendship. I feel safe when I'm with the Brat, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Oh there is always sexual tension between the Brat and I but as complicated as it could be, I cherish the simple pleasure of time and human contact. He helps restore my faith in humanity by being honest and a friend. It's rare in my life to mix sexuality with sensual caring and deep-rooted respect.

No false expectations, I'm going to enjoy the moment.