Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Part two

Who am I... part two

Tell everyone. Tell no one. Well this is why I flip with every different person.

Advice I hate.

Cheer up- why? Isn’t sadness as real an experience as joy?
Don’t ever change who you are- what? And stay stagnant? I should hope I change and grow.
Be honest- overrated.

I don't question or doubt my friends. Those who know and love me are accepting and wonderful. But I don't use "friends" when referring to people I'm uncomfortable talking to about my job. I don't strut down the street yelling "I'm a stripper" to strangers. But those people in the middle... maybe hung out a couple times, friends of friends, old coworkers... I believe the word would be acquaintance.

They know my real name; perhaps know a bit of my background enough to assume something. They know one of my friends, maybe met me while out for a drink... But, they do not know me. They do not have my number. I would not invite them out. But, these are people I cross paths with in social scenarios on a semi-regular basis. As such, they tend to know about my job... unless I lie. It is in those moments, when I am me, that I question being honest. It is in those moments, when I'm not the stripper, which my defenses are down.

So... I could stay anti-social.

When I think of being social I think of groups of people, I may or may not know, talking and drinking together. I prefer intimate situations with close friends.

I understand my job. I understand my role as a fantasy, and I embrace it. I choose to do it. When I am Ryann I am in a professional role as a product. When I answer to Ryann I expect people to know me in that context. I don't care what people think while I'm working. I'm talking about people who have never seen my show, who know nothing about my job outside of "stripper = nymphoslut" and treat me like a prize to be fucked while out for dinner.

What makes a person jaded? A lack of understanding and compassion. A void that craves to be filled with anything but assumptions and disappointment. A repetition of unfortunate expectations. Yes, I'm jaded... but not destroyed.

I enjoyed a beautiful moment today. It was an afternoon of comfort, understanding, respect, and friendship. I feel safe when I'm with the Brat, mentally, emotionally, and physically. Oh there is always sexual tension between the Brat and I but as complicated as it could be, I cherish the simple pleasure of time and human contact. He helps restore my faith in humanity by being honest and a friend. It's rare in my life to mix sexuality with sensual caring and deep-rooted respect.

No false expectations, I'm going to enjoy the moment.


  • At 4:18 PM, Blogger Gadzilla said…

    Knowing your job or "Fantasy role" as you call it, how do you let people be your friends? Would it be people from before this time in your life? Can you actually trust anyone knowing that they might see you as material object?

    My answer is "Yes". I'm a hopeless romantic. I do believe you can find friend and people that can be friendly with you without the awkwardness of sexual tension.

    I am really happy to hear you had a beautiful moment today. It really is nice to smile at the end of the day with a warm thought to snuggle up with.

  • At 6:21 PM, Blogger Angry Orange said…

    I just want to clarify my opinion - I thought I had said don't change yourself for someone else... Change and grow constantly, just make sure you do it on your own terms not someone elses.

    But now, I think I understand your blog. It reminds of a quote I had given to me once.

    "When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

    I've read your blog and know you have friends like that. I will not pretend to be one of them. Maybe I'll just stick to reading from now on.

    Have a great holiday!

  • At 2:37 PM, Anonymous dirty sanchez said…

    I personally have a great affinity for the acquaintance-type relationship. It is to emotion as the one-night stand is to sex, uncomplicated, sometimes pleasant, ultimately forgettable.

    Sometimes I wish I had less friends and more acquaintances (hehe, and more one night stands) ... they require so much less effort when you are actually have a life.

    Enjoy your day, or not ... it is YOUR day.

  • At 2:39 PM, Anonymous dirty sanchez said…

    By the way, I did change the link, although the other one cracks me up.


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