Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Have faith in me.

I gaze at my hands before me. Touch, caress, and write. I feel.
Through my eyes I watch. Detached and observant, I am aware.
Words flow through my fingers, in thoughts such as these nothing is spoken. When the mind is pure and real it will come. The ocean is behind me. The mountains rise above me; the plains ripple before me. I am on the road again. My destination is always the same. The town may be different, the landscape varies, but the bar is always the same.

Through rouge lighting they watch. Her supple form moves across the stage, creating an atmosphere of loathing and adored. Music echoes in time with her body as a shapeless voice booms across the room, announcing drink specials and performers.

They watch.

I paint my eyes and shine my lips. Layers of synthetics cover my skin. I wait. Wait for my turn to become. Music of my mood fills the bar as I express, create, and mesmerize. They watch and imagine who I am. Curious and superficial they ask. It is always the same question masked within a different phrase. Are you real?

Is it any less authentic the image they create than the image that others impose on me? Superficial expectations of happiness and choice are thrown at me. I am more than you think I am. I am more than you see.

I will always be more. I am real.

I am content. I like my tears. I like my dreams. I like my smile. I enjoy staring into space lost in contemplation of purpose and courage. I am loved. In the mirror I watch my eyes. I’m not numb anymore. A year ago I was a train wreck. How anyone can expect me not to change is absurd. From nothing, I am. From nothing I have rebuilt my foundation and discovered myself.

It is a process, and I am satisfied in my journey, confident in my destination.

No, I’m not happy everyday. I am afraid of leaving things unresolved. I am afraid of loosing more friends, to death or choice. I would rather not watch helpless as dreams shatter. I am at times disappointed and vulnerable. I am passionate and strong.

Who is happy everyday? I suspect they lie.

To live is to experience every breath and complexity of emotion. No longer numb I am finally able to express. I love. I care. I am angry. I am hurt. I am hopeful. I am joyful. I am loved. I am finally real again. I am.

I don’t remember a time when I have been so content. I don’t remember being emotionally available. I feel I am on the verge of a huge personal discovery. I am undergoing a transformation that I have yet to understand, but I am excited.

Introverted is not depressed.
Contemplative is not stressed.
Love is not an illusion.
Disappointed is not devastated.
Hurt is not hopeless.
Joy is not false.
Alone is not lonely.

Why is there so much pressure to be happy? Can I not just be?

I am more than okay. I am more than surviving. I have not lost myself; I am not in danger of loosing faith. Please, don’t worry about me. I am stronger than I appear. I know my courage. I know my strength in expression. Even as I change, I learn, I internalize. I know who I am.
I’m okay.

Have faith in me. Accept me, as I change.

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  • At 6:39 AM, Anonymous Gölök Zoltán Leenderdt Franco Buday said…

    Faith is for he who can toss your soul into hell if anything, knowlledge or knowing is for human beings. It's not bad Maslow[, Abraham] would have enjoyed this self actualization piece to some extent. It progresses to a little bit of a self glorification in the end. But not terrible.

  • At 3:30 PM, Anonymous tnt_rori said…

    Hey Ryann,
    I am definately seeing the changes in you even though I can't see you in person. I do like what you are changing into.

    I'm not sure if I worry about you or not, your topics that are blogged are ones that bring up concerns and there are us regular readers that do care about you. While constant happiness is impossible, contentment with who you are, what you are doing, and where you are going can be consistant.
    While you have lost some friends in your journey I do know that you have also gained some really good friends. That is one of the dynamics of life itself and happens to everyone.

  • At 10:30 PM, Blogger Ginger said…

    Authenticity is developed over time & experience and with each new situation a deeper level is reached (as you know).
    Your job has forced you to deal with situations & experiences at a lightning fast speed. Some people never have the insight or opportunity to self-examine and therefore never progress or grow into being authentic.

    (you forgot one)


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