RAGE!!

What is wrong with these people!?don't they have mothers that taught them right from wrong?Sigh... I just got fined $100 for not doing a shower show that they didn't tell me about. then to be yelled at by the DJ (who didn't tell me) as soon as I get off the stage "why the fuck didn't you do a shower show. how fucking stupid are you!?"I already DID a shower show today, I've been covering their ass doing them favours, picking up extra shows all week. and that cheap ass manager tells me his hands are tied because I should have known.. just so he can make an extra buck. I miss Calgary.

But initial rage aside stuff like this just infuriates me. There are enough situations in life that aren't fair without small petty people power tripping.
I need to breathe and realize that I am better than that manager. He obviously is lacking in respect for himself and the people around him if he feels the need to take money from dancers like myself for his mistake.

I could act self-righteous, and I am very tempted to scream and shout, to look at my life and my accomplishments, my journey and compare that to his. middle aged petty manger of a struggling strip club... and perhaps I should. perhaps I do need to remind myself of how irrelevant he is to my reality. because really, the $100 doesn't matter.

I'm here to make my money, pay off my student loans and save enough to go back to school. it's good to have friends that remind me of that. that know who I am and where I come from. It's good to have people in my life that keep me grounded, keep me real, keep me from becoming lost in the industry.

I know who I am.

"stage" vs. "real" identity...

"stage" vs. "real" identity...

I'm getting used to being called "Ryann". I answer to it more often than I hear my real name, and I am surrounded by people than only know me as Ryann. It's interesting creating an identity.

On stage I am in character, I play my part, I play the fantasy. I answer entirely to Ryann for weeks at a time, and when I hear my real name it often catches me off guard.
But to not forget who I am, I refer to my life, my name, my path, my past, my dreams, as "real" life. yet I live 6 days a week in a life that is not "real"?

To refer to your job, as not real... it segments and seperates your life. yet everyday, when interacting with people, my job affects the relationships. When I meet new people and try to decide whether to be honest, or lie... when I tell people what I do and they struggle to accept it, or understand it. when I alienate myself from experiences because of my job.
How is that not real?

When I sit and think about relationships, dating, experiences, friendships, opportunities... and how I relate to them, my job is very relevant to my "real" life. But to reconcile them... that is a challenge

I want to be honest, I want to accepted, I want to be loved for who I actually am... not perfect, not a fantasy, not an ideal... but as person with gifts to offer, with faults, with a past, with mistakes, and a heart.

To reconcile what I want, with who I am both on and off stage... To be true to myself, my dreams, my fears, and my weaknesses... To come to terms with what I can and cannot offer...To learn how to be honest and communicate...To remember to leave "Ryann" at work and yet understand that she is always a part of me...

Frustrations

This is a strange industry, and people impressions and stereotypes add a lot to the frustration at times. Some of the stuff I get to deal with as a dancer is unique, and some of it is not very good.
couple things I'd like to talk about today... illegal activities of bars and how we are treated, and how to cope with the real world after work without going totally insane... oh and a bit about boys in the "real world"
I hate, hate, hate being held forced to do unpaid floor time. for those that don't know... "floor time" is when dancers such as myself are forced to spend 4 hours of our own time, to wander around the bar in our lingerie selling private dances. we are NOT paid for our time, and if we choose to leave we are either fined, fired, or not paid for the week.
For obvious reasons having to do floor time frustrates and infuriates me. It's illegal, and it's wrong.
Which brings me to coping... nights like Saturday drain my soul. I left the bar exhausted from pent up rage. what I wanted to do was tell that manager and owner exactly where they could insert the pole... and maintaining a professional manner is really difficult sometimes. but I did.
and then I got into my car and cried.
because I don't drink at work, and I don't do any drugs, so I have to deal with these nights sober. After work I was so upset, so drained, so angry I couldn't do anything but stare into space and/ or cry.
Then I go to visit the guy I am seeing. He has no experience with the industry, to the point that he has never been in a strip club (and won't go in). Instead of sitting with me while I waited to get paid after my "floor time" he was at home waiting for me. By the time I got there at 2am I was numb, I'd been crying on the road, I was angry at him for not being there for me, and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to scream, shout, and rage about my night... but he told me to "cheer up"
grrrrr.
I know he means well, I know he is sheltered and has no idea what I deal with.. but but... "cheer up. smile". WHY!!! Why so YOU can feel better? you want me to fake it for you too? I needed to get it out, deal with my emotions, realize the anger... not put it aside and pretend everything is ok.
I don't use chemical escapes. So at the end of a day like that I have a lot to deal with. a lot to get out. a lot to cleanse.
Dating a dancer is hard. Some days I'm not even sure it's possible... One of the things that makes it so hard is that at the end of the day, if you want to see that sweet, sexy woman... you have to find away to put to rest the frustrations of the day, and put to rest her stage personality in order to allow her to rediscover her "real" self.
at the end of the day I want to feel loved, validated, and respected... not dismissed.

Today it's good

I'm off to work in a bit. It's Friday, and I'm hoping it will be busy. Some of the guys have been irritating me this week. mostly because I want to leave after my show. I don't want to sit and drink. I don't want to check out your hotel. I don't want to hang around and talk about sex. I don't want to sit around for 4 hours being nice, pretending to care and selling private shows. But it's Friday and that's exactly what I get to do. What do I do between shows?? I masterbate of course. That's what all dancers do.
Although one patron yesteray saw me at Starbucks on my break. He was nice at the bar. "good show sweetie, have a good night". No offers, no annoying questions, no propositions... I like that.
I'm in a good mood today. A little confused and lost, thinking about relationships. I'm still not convinced anything could work. But it's kind of nice to pretend for a little while.
I live on the road, and it's roughly an 8 week circuit. "love you babe, see you in two months?" Sigh.. I'm too jaded to believe that can be a real commited relationship. Relationships are really really difficult to maintain in this industry, and long before I was a stripper I sucked at relationships. I've been single for years, and I know I'm okay on my own. I can handle it, I can handle myself... without getting hurt. (the urge to run is massive) But living in today, for this tiny moment of eternity, before everything shatters...Today it's good.

I am Ryann...

This is a unique experience, and I have decided to share my journey with you. sending my thoughts, feelings, and reflections into the vast emptiness of the cyber world. it's a release of sorts.
a cleanse.. to keep myself from being dragged into the nothingness.
My name is Ryann and I am on a journey... of self discovery and strength. I am learning to juggle the expectations with the stereotypes and struggles of the world of Exotic Dancing... some days it's not easy. This industry can physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually draining. No. it's not easy money.
To answer the questions everyone asks… why?
Because… I started dancing after too many years of financial frustration. Life landed me in a new town, where I knew no one, trying to juggle school and work. So I decided to dance. I want to live my life on my own terms. Because I want to get out of debt, and get through school. I want to earn my way, and at the end of the day know that I did it, that I don’t owe it to anyone else. Yes, I am an independent, ambitious, and intelligent woman. I take care of myself. Why there is still such a prevailing attitude that if you are independent and ambitious, and female! You obviously cannot be sexual?
I don’t strip because I have anything to prove, or low self-esteem, or addictions. It’s a means to an end, and I am NOT the exception. Now I am dealing with my expectations of myself. I am taking some time off school to get myself back on feet, emotionally and financially. However apparently it's one thing to say "I'm stripping while in school", but quite another to take a year or so off to be a stripper. Is it?
where did the idea come from that if you leave school you won't go back? Is this even relevant to my generation? In a society where tuition is increasing at an incredible rate, and the student loan debt is overwhelming, how many choices are there? Without wealthy parents to pay for everything the option is work, or spend 10 years of your life paying interest on a piece of paper instead of a mortgage.
So I dance.
Dating is hard. I was already thought of as too educated, too ambitious, too independent… now society looks at me as the next best thing to a whore. They love me, they worship me, they think I’m a doll or a whore, or a sparkling miracle in traumatized industry to idolize and encourage. sigh... it's bothering me today.
The distance is impossible, I'm constantly on the road. I'm in a different town every week. maintaining any sort of relationship under those circumstances is unrealistic at best. I get homesick, and I feel lost, and somedays I just want a hug.
but dating... I'm so afraid it's pointless, that I would just be setting myself up for disappointment. Being vulnerable sucks, and getting hurt sucks. Too many people cannot accept my life, and my reasons. Too many people judge. Too many people want to fuck the fantasy, and cannot see beyond the act.
really.. I'm just me.