Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


Laughter echoes in the room. Giggles shatter the silence and break the calm isolation as Agnes skips into the serene tea room. We’re attracting attention. Her dark hair is ruffled in every direction creating a pixie like bed-head. I comment on her creative hairdo and she exclaims “I know! Isn’t it exciting! I woke up and it was so interesting I just had to dress to match!” She pulls off her jacket revealing pink stripped knee socks under cutoff jeans and a lime green hoodie speckled with stars. She’s fabulous.

Moments ago this room was filled with strangers but the walls have been broken as Agnes giggles into her tea. She seems carefree but there’s an edge of uncertainly hidden within her laugh.

I have faith in her. There is strength masked by excitement. She’s not as carefree as she seems. She’s not as young at heart as she portrays. Quiet experience layers into the image of the joyful girl that sits across from me.

Few people bother to look deeper than the surface. They see a happy-go-lucky child. I see an amazing young woman who has chosen to hold onto the hope. I have a lot faith in Agnes. I feel how deep that strength runs. She’s a smart girl. She just doesn’t talk about it. I know the girl that soaks up the world around her, watching everything, devouring books and laughing through it all.

I’m reminded of Trevor when I’m with Agnes. There is a deep power that comes from facing mortality and making the choice to live each day. There is an appreciation of sunrises and rainbows that not many people see. I miss Trevor. I cried yesterday thinking about him. I miss his exuberance and conviction.

An older woman watched our conversation and listened from a nearby table. Our seemly frivolous girl talk revealed questions of choices, maturity, fear, and capability amidst the chuckles. As the woman buttoned her coat she smiled at us “You have a beautiful friendship.”
I knew she’d been listening. “Thank you.” I replied. Agnes giggled and slurped her tea.


Sunday, November 25, 2007


I can feel the music. It flows through my body, penetrates my mind and rests, vibrating against my soul. It’s always there. I close my eyes and feel the passion. Slowly it ripples to the surface fueling my drive and encircling my dreams.

The music of this life touches a deep secret and tickles a quiet longing. I want to feel that passion in my arms. I miss the voice of the Musician caressing me as I watch him create magic. I loved those moments. I’ll cherish them. But I yearn for something more.

I close my eyes and dare to dream of more. Not of more for me, or more from life—because I already believe in that. I dare to dream the fairy tale of Love.
I need to believe that there is truth to be found, and real passion to share. I need to be more than a pastime, or diversion. I need to be the muse, the reason, and the passion. I need to hear the music and feel the creative spirit inspire me.

I believe in music and art and inspiration. I hear the laughter of innocence and the symphony of experience. I need to believe in Love. I listen…

I can feel it. I’m crying. The melody rises up in my heart, expanding, hoping, and praying. It explodes in my mind causing tears to well again beneath the surface. The rhythm pulses through my limbs. I hear the music and I’m reminded of purpose. I feel alive. The colours are more vibrant. I’m flying. There is energy building, waiting to channel. I feel the beat. My passion is simmering, waiting…

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Monday, November 19, 2007


I’m in a strange place right now. Everything feels calm but on edge. There’s no romantic drama in my life these days. The boys are all gone. I can’t remember the last time I actually had no interests or affairs in the shadows. I don’t even have any crushes left. Even Alexander has faded into an amusing dream. It’s a strange freedom.

I made Sunday dinner at Reid's new place and it was delightful as always. Agnes giggled a lot as usual and we ate and ate more. I think I’m still full and I’m stocked up on hugs for a few days. Life is really good.

right now everything in my life is centered on creating stability while moving through major change. There are days when I burst into tears of frustration and collapse feeling totally overwhelmed and exhausted. But I know Stiletto Storm is going to be amazing. I know it’s going to work and that I’m the one that has to do it. So I refocus and get back to work. There’s going to be a lot of tears along this road.

But I’m going to do it. I know it.


Thursday, November 15, 2007

Christmas Future

The holiday drinks have been released at Starbucks and I’m beginning to see the first signs of the Christmas shopping season. Ugh. The idea of wandering through malls searching for meaningful, yet affordable gifts for my family makes me slightly nauseous.

I love the idea of Christmas, but in practice it just seems to be stress, pressure and expectations… for what? For another pile of stuff. I’m dreading it already.

Then I discovered Christmas Future. What a brilliant idea!

The idea is that instead of spending hundreds of dollars on presents this year we can take some of that money and refocus it. We have the power to change the world and end poverty. That sounds like a damn good Christmas present to me.

“ChristmasFuture is about change. Fundamental, meaningful, planet-shifting change. We are a passionate movement of people empowering a non-profit organization that advances us – all of us – everyday closer to eradicating extreme poverty.”

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Tuesday, November 13, 2007


The music ripples through the room as laughter rumbles in the corners. The hilariously inappropriate Atomic Vaudeville show has left us breathless from giggling. I try to explain the skits to our tardy friends but it’s futile. I just end up giggling about God and puppets and global warming mixed with barbeque sauce and boobs.

Ah well who cares! It’s time to dance. The Dollhouse slowly fills with happy people as I swivel and move to the music, chugging water and feeling the sweat glisten on my skin. I’m not working tonight and I’m not used to keeping my clothes on while dancing. My shirt sticks to my skin as I continue to dance and socialize.

My eyes light up as I discover the new prop. I grin and close my eyes, pumping my legs harder against the air. I gain height. The tips of my toes brush against the ceiling a split second before I arch back and swoosh towards the opposite wall. Every party should have a swing!

Below me I can see Carmine and our giddy and magical friends watching me. I hear the familiar giggle of Agnes from the couch and I smile at the sexy and precious girl clad in fishnets. I’m happy. I’m surrounded by friends and laughter and it’s been a great day.

It started at breakfast with Reid and Hank and the girls. The lovely and talented Carmine joined us and I was thrilled, as I always am when I get to hang out with her. From there I managed to squeeze in a couple hours of work on the business before I met Ginger downtown at a book launch. I got lots of hugs in the morning, even more hugs in the afternoon and the day was fabulous. I joined Ginger and her group for dinner before speeding to pickup Carmine and her boyfriend in order to make it to the show on time. We made it!

And we rock! We’re simply spectacularly wonderful and creative women and I LOVE it!


Sunday, November 11, 2007


It’s hard to appreciate what’s in front of us. There are days when I barely glance at the ocean, or I grumble at the stupid rain and this stupid city. There are times when I forget to be in awe. But then the sun breaks through and I find myself driving over the Burrard st. bridge amazed at the sparkle of my surroundings. The beauty was there all along.

It’s so easy to forget. Unfortunately it’s all too easy to forget to appreciate those closest to us as well.

I’ve been single for a long time and inevitably I watch other couples interact. I watch how easy it is to take someone for granted. It’s easy to see the mistakes and pick at the less than ideal pieces. It’s tempting to make jokes and poke fun at quirks and imperfections.

But maybe take a step back and look at your partner.

All I ask… next time you’re going to criticize your partner, ask yourself “Is this necessary?” Sometimes it is. But I highly doubt it’s necessary in front of friends, coworkers, or strangers. Sometimes it’s not necessary at all.

We all need relationships that comfort and strengthen us. We need love and respect. We need to feel desired, appreciated, and adored. We need to feel safe and accepted. As flawed as we are the beauty was there all along.

I’ve been blessed with incredible friendships. I hope I never forget to appreciate them. I hope I never forget to celebrate how wonderful each and every friend is.

Hey friends! You’re awesome and I love you. Thank you for being in my life.


Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Call for investors

Stiletto Storm is well under way and chugging right along. A lot of the planning has been done and I’ve started to build a great team.

I’m putting it out there. I've had a lot interest from potential investors, but I want to find the right partner. I'm looking for investors that share my vision and are interested in helping create something that is financially profitable, as well as empowering and respectful of the women in the audience and in the exotic dance industry.

Our mission is to protect the future of the art and heart of exotic dance in Canada by creating a lasting world-class theatrical event.

If you know of anyone who might be interested in getting involved please email me at stilettostorm@gmail.com


Monday, November 05, 2007

The WOW Event

It’s entirely too sunny out for me to be inside for much longer. I’ve been pretty productive this morning and I think it’s almost time for tea. I have a million things to do and I’m loving every moment.

I attended the WOW event yesterday. Founded by Christine Awram, WOW is now in its fourth year. Wow! It’s one of those experiences that’s hard to translate into conversation or print. “You just have to be there” seems to be the most common response. As I was leaving someone asked me “well what is WOW?” and all I could come up with was “it’s a celebration of how amazing and fabulous we are.”

But it’s much more than that. It’s more than a feel-good day. I left last night feeling inspired, energized, and even more confident than I normally am. My heart was open, my spirit was positive, and my mind was racing. The energy of having almost a thousand women in one room sharing in their power was electrifying. It was a gathering of women owning up to how fabulous each and every one is. There were no apologies or minimizing of effort or experience. It was a day of support, strength, and positive learning, especially with Michael Losier teaching about the Law of Attraction.

I learned about leadership from Elaine Allison, a woman who is both powerful and full of grace. I learned about finance from a bubbly blonde from Edmonton, Kelly Keehn, and I laughed and laughed and laughed with both hypnotist Wayne Lee and award winning humorist Linda Edgecombe.

I’ll be back next year. I hope you’ll join me.

The WOW credo. By Christine Awram

I am a Woman of Worth!
My worthiness is inherent, infinite and persevering –
it is my natural state.
My value is a reflection of who I AM -
and I am magnificent.
And ... who I AM –
always makes a difference.
I am successful –
because I come from my true power, which lies within.
I lead through inspiration –
from quiet acts of kindness, to leading a nation.
I am empowered -
I make choices from the clarity of my heart, mind and spirit.
I am abundant –
as the core of my true essence ALWAYS supports manifestation.
I cherish my relationships –
they are part of what makes me strong.
I am a Human BEing -
as my BEing is of far more significance than my DOing.
I play and I laugh and I bring beauty and light into the world –
At times I despair and I weep, when I feel the pain of a world that has momentarily gone mad.
Yet even when I tremble through a dark night of the soul, I renew my faith and my courage in a single heartbeat because my spirit is indomitable.
with a heart as open as the universe.

Because every woman … is a Woman Of Worth

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