Ryann Reflections

A glimpse into the life of one anti-social stripper nerd.

Monday, October 30, 2006

a couple contest shots

WARNING BOOBS!!! (There will be nudity if you keep scrolling. consider yourself warned)
and I did post 3 times today... if you're looking for more than titties and ass, I may have said something yesterday... then again... I was on a stupid bus.

told ya...
I'm NAKED!!! Hahahaha I'm always naked.

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Sunday, October 29, 2006

Choices and Expectations

I’m on a bus to Brandon, Manitoba when I should be on a flight to Europe. This picture seems a little fucked up. I doubt my decision simply because I’m on a bus instead of a plane and I’m lost in a lot of uncertainty these days.

I don’t want to see Merrick, and I don’t have the finances to gallivant around Europe for two weeks. Perhaps I should have made it work, perhaps I shouldn’t have sacrificed a plane ticket- but I did. I feel a lot of frustration and anger towards Merrick, and I just didn’t want to spend two weeks defending myself. I’m incapable of explaining to him Who I Am.

Yes, I have a very powerful reaction to him. He’s an incredibly powerful personality and his energy can be intoxicating… or toxic. In one moment I can be totally infatuated and amazed by his passion and brilliance, and the next day be utterly infuriated by his stubborn intolerance and lack of understanding. The conversational assumption of “If you don’t want to be alone forever, why don’t you get a new job?” simply pissed me off. I’m alone because of Who I Am, and the reality of my choices, desires, and priorities. I’ve never been with anyone I could see a future with.


So I cancelled my vacation and booked work. I’m on a bus to Brandon while an empty seat is flying over the Atlantic. Ugh. I miss my friends, and I’m feeling like an outsider in this world again. I know why I’m here, and I was prepared for the sacrifice of my personal life this fall. I’m trying to establish my name, and reputation. That takes time. It takes work, and being away from home for a few months. Of course I’m homesick. That’s just what I do.

I found myself in an interesting situation this afternoon. I was invited to a friend’s house for breakfast and “church”. I felt old. I felt like explanations were pointless and I desperately missed the open discussion and acceptance of those I call friends. Religion is such a complicated issue, especially when beliefs are challenged. I don’t know if I should get into that… maybe another day… Right now I’m feeling like everyone who understands me, loves me, and accepts me is a million miles away… or 3000 km which really is far enough.

I don’t know what to call it, or how to define it, or even how to explain it, but I guess Sunshine is a bit of a relevant topic these days. He’s young. He’s lovely, but I’m aware of how distant our experiences are. I’m reminded of the struggles and frustrations of relationships from years ago. There were moments when I felt like I was in high school again.

I want a Man.
I still haven’t found one.

I don’t know what the future will hold for Sunshine and I. Really we don’t know each other. We didn’t grow up together; we haven’t had the time or opportunity to delve into the unique beauty of the individual. I felt him fall into the fantasy, and I watched him become enamored with the illusion of the lifestyle. It wasn’t pleasant. There were moments when I felt incredibly frustrated and disrespected. There were moments when I forgot to enjoy and accept Who He Is, and became distracted by What I Want.

He is lovely, curious, fresh, and young. I would love to watch him grow. I hope he someday becomes the Man I feel the potential for, but he’s not there. He won’t be there for years. I’m guilty of loosing myself in the escape. I wanted to be held, and cherished, and adored for a moment. I wanted to pretend it was real, and create that holy moment of unity. I wanted to hope for something.

I still hope.

I needed to find some distance from that situation in order to regain my appreciation for who he is. I do like him and I do hope that our friendship has a chance to grow. I like the feel of him next to me. I smile when I hear his voice. I do want to share something with him. I just don’t know what…

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Saturday, October 28, 2006

Halloween memories

It’s astounding. Time is fleeting. Madness takes its toll. But listen closely (not for very much longer) I’ve got to keep control!
I doubt I can think of another movie that has had such a profound place in my memories.

My experiences are so tied to this movie that every scene brings forth another chapter of my life. I remember the high school fascination with the sexuality and taboo beauty. Friendships developed over a quiet acceptance and curiosity. There was no judgment of the cult classic. I long for the days of watching the play unfold before me as I laugh at my dear friend Trevor in his black vinyl dress. He was a great date, and a great friend. I miss him. I remember that night with vivid clarity, his eyes shining as bright as his dress. We danced and laughed and lost ourselves in the fantasy of cult theatre. It was an amazing night. I miss him so much.

Bizarre. I think I might cry. I miss my friendships.

I remember other moments, with other people... I miss dressing the part for fun. I miss the quiet decadence of the dirty passion. I remember the surprising tension of unexpected flirtation. I remember the smile, our eyes meeting, and a night totally removed from reality. I loved the secret affairs and surprising moments. I had too much fun loosing myself in the wicked creations. My memory floats over Granville Island, a weekend littered with intrigue, fascination, and decadence. I was touched, I was created… I was more than a fantasy. Or was I? Memories are so strange. I wasn’t actually happy, and I made some very strange choices in the heat of the moment. The music reaches into my soul and drags me into a bubbling sexual enchantment. I’m in love with the energy.

...I’ve tasted blood and I want more. (more more more) I’ll put up no resistance. I want to stay the distance. I’ve got an itch to scratch. I need assistance. Toucha toucha toucha touch me I wanna be dirty! Thrill me chill me fulfill me creature of the night. Then if anything grows while you pose I’ll oil you up and rub you down. (down down down) and that’s just one small fraction of the main attraction. You need a friendly hand, oh I need action. Toucha toucha touch me. I wanna be dirty. Thrill me chill me fulfill me creature of the night...

My memories are warm, and dear to me. I hear the laughter. I feel the anticipation. But it’s the pelvic thrust that really drives me insane. Fuck. Frank N Furter is so fucking sexy. Even in stockings and a corset he’s so masculine and powerful. The sexuality is blatant and dominant and I’ve always been ardently addicted to his character.

…In another dimension with voyeuristic intention well secluded I see all!

I’m reluctant to expand my memoirs into the future. I don’t want to dilute the personal power of this show. I want to keep it selfish and individually significant. I can’t convey the longing in my heart to hold Trevor’s hand and sway in time to the science fiction double feature picture show. I don’t want to admit how I silently plead to pardon the ending. My body aches and I need to sleep. I want to loose myself in the memories of friendship and escapades. I miss my friend.

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Thursday, October 26, 2006

Yawn... lazy afternoon questions.

I don’t know if I can handle two months on the road. I’m tired, and starting to feel the pull home… but I know I have another month to get through before I can run home. I was supposed to be on vacation next week, but I’ve cancelled it. Actually I’ve cancelled it in my head; I suspect the actual plane ticket will just get written off as an enthusiastic but premature idea with significant financial losses. It’s nonrefundable.

The week is dragging in my head. The season of blah is pulling on my mood. A chill is in the air and I’m reminded that I will see snow soon. I will see real snow soon, and when it snows all I really want to do is drink a tall non-fat marble macchiato and snuggle up in bed. I certainly have no desire to put on clothes to run to a bar and get naked. We’ll see how things go. I’m in a BLAH mood today, so there!!

But on a more positive note… that crazy newfieswoman tagged me, and far be it for me to spoil the fun…
1. One thing I've never done in front of an adult: hmmm I’m really not shy, and I don’t embarrass easily… that’s actually pretty hard. I tend to say or do things in front of whoever is around. Um… ok I’ve never done any drugs… in front of anyone, or not in front of anyone. I’ve never been high.

2. One sport I wish I could do: I suck at any sport where someone throws something at me and expects me to do ANYTHING but duck and run. So…Golf. It’s on my “to learn” list. (If it counts as a sport)

3. One thing I used to be able to do but have lost the ability to: spin in circles on the tire swing. I loved that as a child, now watching makes me nauseous.

4. One job I wish I could have had: Oooh I’ve had a lot of jobs already… how about a serious office job. I’ve never had a job that required me to dress in a sexy business suit and carry a briefcase. I think that’s hot!

5. One food I can't live without: CHOCOLATE! It’s an emotional stability thing.

6. One food I could easily live without forever: Wheat! I’m allergic and I’d rather it just disappeared.

7. One book I think is a classic: The Awakening by Kate Chopin.

8. One movie I feel is personally significant to my life: Mona Lisa Smile

9. One song I wish I'd written: U2-Bad.

10. One thing I wish I had more control over: Hmm I don’t think I need MORE control… Sometimes I need less though.

11. One Thing I dislike about myself: My lack of faith that I will someday find a partner.

12. One thing I admire about myself: Being real, authentic, and open to the world. I admire my courage and determination.

13. One thing I would change about Canada: evangelical right-wing agenda that is currently permeating federal politics. The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation. (Oh and everything Alberta represents)

14. One vehicle I hope to own someday: VW Jetta

15. One profession I have no respect for: Pimps. Anyone that lives off the blood, sweat and tears of an individual trapped without choice or hope.

16. One sexual activity I have never tried but want to: hahahahaha not a chance am I answering that one.

17. One sexual activity I have never tried and don't want to: I couldn’t be in a lesbian relationship. I’m enough woman for any encounter, relationship or escapade. I need the masculine energy to create a balance.

18. One holiday I could live without: I used to say Christmas… but now I need my memories at home.

19. One piece of clothing I can't live without: I spend my life naked- so not much. Skimpy, sexy summer dresses

20. One thing I'm afraid of: losing hope.

21. One thing I'm happy to have: My friends and family. Unconditional Love.

... and on that note… I’m tagging Ginger, Pita, and Anna.


Monday, October 23, 2006

Miss Nude Ontario 3rd Runner Up

Miss Nude Ontario 2006/2007.
(I'm the little one in the middle)

“Is this your stuff? Your things! I hate them.” She shakes her head as my paper lanterns are thrust into my hands before she turns and hobbles away. The Ultimate Feature is running the show this week. I quietly laugh at her intensity and expressions, but really I don’t know what we’d do without her. I’ve already learned so much. I know she wants to be on stage, and I know after a lifetime of dancing, and working through the pain, her body is finally betraying her. Like anyone who loves to dance, who lives to dance, who can’t imagine a life without the stage, the music, and the passion, I don’t know how you leave that. I love watching her. She’s so beautiful. She is The Ultimate Feature, and it shows. But this week, she’s in trenches, mopping up spilt milk and helping build a new generation of dancers. It may not be the same industry as it once was, but there is still a love of performance, entertainment, and dance in this handful of dancers. The girls are awesome, and it’s been a great group to work with. From being able to watch an incredible level of professionalism and performance in one moment, to watching the determination, and pure drive to improve in another moment, I’m so honoured to be a part of this group.

I watch in awe as snow and bubbles flood the stage. The strobes transform the room into a slow-motion mirage. The bar is packed, drunk and enthusiastic. On stage a naked girl is balanced upside down on a chair, soaking wet. Her back arched, and legs splayed she looks like a goddess.

Back to reality I finish assembling the lanterns and go over my props one more time. Everything is in order; the DJ’s know what to do. The rest is up to me. The nervousness from earlier in the week has faded into an excited confidence and acceptance. I’m not the best girl here, and that’s okay. I’m exactly where I should be. I’m here for the experience, to learn, improve, and build myself. I’ve done that. I’m happy with the show I know I can do. All I have to do is do it.

I watch the stage crew scoop up the disaster, quickly and efficiently. The stage is scrubbed and my props are hung. A quick thumbs up to the DJ’s and the booming voice starts again. “… and now contestant number 5…” My music slowly builds as I make my way to the stage, slowly, the costume demands it. The next 20 minutes are filled with passion. I fucking love my job. Layers of sequined materials are flung into the corner, piece by piece, as I move to the music and flirt with the crowd. I’m down to my g-string and accessories when the song ends and I exit down the stairs. Our Ultimate Feature rushes her crew past me with a tarp, and my pool. I overhear her give a few commands in French, but don’t understand them. I quietly pull off my shoes, choker, and gold g-string as the stage is set. I’m naked, and we’re ready. It’s time to make a mess. The music begins as I tip toe up the stairs and move across my stage. I feel the beat, and pour liquid colours over my body. Within minutes I’m covered in paint, sparkles, and I’m soaked from head to toe. With a final spin through the bubbles, and a seductive arch the music fades. I’m a mess, and I’m happy. It was a good show and I need a shower.

The night begins to blend into itself as we pack, and clean, and wait. I want to know how it all turned out, what all of our work culminated into. I want to know who won. It seems like days before the awards begin, hours, and hours of waiting. I’m starving. It was an intense week of performance, improvement, and a hell of a good time. But now, I’m exhausted and I want food, and sleep. After eons we’re finally gathered downstairs, showered, makeup repaired, and back in our gowns to finish the week, smile for photos, and satisfy our curiosity.

I came out with…

Miss Nude Ontario 3rd Runner Up 2006/2007

I also won,
Miss Nude Ontario’s Most Original Costume
Miss Nude Ontario’s Showgirl of the Year 2006/2007

Now I’m back in Winnipeg for a few weeks, exhausted and dazed, ready for the daily grind of the real stripper life… getting naked and getting paid. It’s a month away from the Miss Nude Canada Pageant, and I have a lot of prep to do.

(if I get the pictures, I'll post some when I can...)

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Monday, October 16, 2006

Contest week #1

It’s contest week. The Miss Nude Ontario pageant started today. It should be a great week full of sequins, paint, pools, fire and fabulous women on display.

I’m tired, covered in bubbles and leftover paint, and my makeup is starting to smear. Time for me to snuggle up with Sunshine and get some rest, I have a busy schedule ahead of me. It was a good day and it’s going to be a great week.

Come check it out. Contestant parade starts every night at 9pm. Contest shows all night, all week.

Mints. Niagara Falls.
5951 Main Street, Niagara Falls, Ontario


Monday, October 09, 2006

Happy Turkey Day!! (I love Firefighters)

Happy Turkey Day Canada!!! It’s Thanksgiving, and I’m far from home this year. It’s the first year I remember that I’ve missed Thanksgiving with my family. I could be lonely but I’m okay, because I love Firefighters!!! Especially when I’m invited to enjoy a fabulous turkey dinner at the fire hall.

The aroma of turkey fills the room as I eagerly wait for dinner. The boys are wandering in and out, killing time and waiting for turkey. A football game quietly plays in the background and jokes and laughter flow through the room. Dinner is fabulous, and I’m incredibly thankful to be here. The turkey is moist and savory; the potatoes are colourful and delicious. Cheese oozes from the corner of my overstuffed potato as I nibble through bits of mushroom, pepper and more cheese. Yummy potatoes!! I laugh at my friend for his unimaginative plate void of any veggies, oh well more for us.

The alarm sounds, and everyone drops their forks. Within seconds the hall is empty and the siren is fading into the distance. I look around amused and laugh. I’m all alone, and very full. I grab the remote and flip to CSI (I have no use for football). An hour later the boys return to their dinner and pie. It’s been a good day, and I’m happy. The relaxing effects of the tryptophan leave a content smile on my face.

(Feel free to add your own) This Thanksgiving I'm thankful for...

Sisters, brothers, my family and the unconditional love I've never questioned.
Friendships that warm my heart, heal my soul, and create a sense of home no matter where I am. I love you friends.
Pieces of comfort I carry with me: My Care Bear, books, cell phone, internet, and my laptop.
The opportunity to create myself, and be proud.
Dreams and ambitions.
The opportunity to experience this life, explore the world, and meet new people.
Hope and healing.
The ocean.

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Saturday, October 07, 2006

an escape

The undercurrent of chlorophyll is fading as the seasons give way. Neutral brown fields cut into the radiating the hues of fire as I watch the landscape blur behind me. Umber, crimson, and golden splashes of crackling autumn speckle the woodland. I look in vain for mountains, but am disappointed. There is nothing dynamic in this view. The uncomplicated watercolour of the blue above steadies my eye and provides a welcome diversion from the dull asphalt that feels endless. Wind whips through my jeans, chilling my thighs as I pull my hands deeper into the sleeves of leather. The vibrations of the Harley rumble through my body, at once calming and familiar. I relax against the cushy leather back and allow my mind to drift away. It’s a beautiful afternoon and I’m thankful to my new friend for this escape from routine.


Thursday, October 05, 2006

We'll see how it goes...

I’m in Kingston. I don’t really know what I’m doing and I’m feeling pretty lost and alone. Snuggles with Sunshine seem like a million years ago, and it hurts that it was only yesterday that I kissed him goodbye. It was an amazing few days and I desperately want to savor the taste of the moment. I want to remember the taste of his soft lips on mine, the total comfort of his arms around me, and the delicate caresses and lingering kisses. I met Sunshine in a different world, separated from everything personal that defines our lives. We were isolated, and intrigued. I knew he had a crush on me, and I couldn’t resist creating the opportunity to visit him.

Sunday was perfect. It was a holy moment of beauty and friendship. We wandered aimlessly through the wine festival, savoring the samples, flirting, and just enjoying the company. Ice cream and ice wine became my dinner as crab dumplings, and butter chicken served as an appetizer. The wine flowed and the giggles started. There were never any expectations, but flirty tension crackled. It was a perfect day.

I feel safe with him. The days that followed were delightful. Really, we did nothing. Shared lunch and dinner, watched movies, laughed and talked, and curled up in each others arms. I wish I could hold onto that. I didn’t want to leave, but I’m here for a reason. I have to keep going.

Tonight though I am in a strange town, lost and alone, I want to run home. I’m so fragile and weak right now. My pride is shaky and my ego is bruised. I know I’m good enough. I know I’m a good entertainer and I can pull this off, I just don’t feel it. I’m good enough, but I’m not seasoned enough. I’m still relatively new to the business. I haven’t been dancing for a decade, and I’ve only been featuring for a short time. I’ve never worked in Ontario before, and I feel like I was thrown to the wolves.

I want to run home, but my pride is keeping me here, at least for a bit. I need to figure out what to do, and I can’t stay in Starbucks all night.

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