Dancers for Cancer 5

5th annual Exotic Dancers for Cancer is only days away. This Friday, April 4, at the Penthouse come out and join the cause. Tickets are available at Urban Body Laser or you can buy them directly from me. $15 in advance, $20 at the door.

See you Friday!!!

We're also holding a sister event in Victoria at the Fox Showlounge (Red Lion hotel) on Sunday April 6. Admission for Victoria is by donation.

Ryann retires.

This isn't a stripper blog anymore because I'm not a stripper anymore. Something changed and I didn't even know it. Even though I left the stage when Mugs closed I was still looking for Ryann Rain to provide the path, the income, and the answers. Ryann Rain saved my life. I created her when everything fell apart and she allowed me to hide, recover, and rebuild. But I'm done now. I'm not dancing anymore and although I still have the occasional gig as Ryann the reality is I have to stop hiding behind my precious alter ego.

How do I stop being Ryann? I have no idea how to actually walk out from behind the cover of Ryann and take on the world as myself. I know in theory I'm more powerful. I know I created Ryann and everything about Ryann is just a reflection of a piece of myself but Ryann became so powerful. She saved my life. She is strong, hidden, and invincible.

My heart can be broken. I cry. I’m still detached and I need to get out of that right now. I’m scared. I need to be myself. I need to rediscover who I am without being a stripper.

Who the fuck am I?

I believe in love and friendship is the most important thing in my life. Friends are the family you choose. I love unconditionally and pure. And even though it surprises me I know now that I truly do love forever.

I have an unwavering, nonnegotiable loyalty to my family that hurts my soul. I love them with every fiber of my being and it kills me on a regular basis. I believe I should be able to fix everything. I have a very strong caretaker relationship with them and I just want to make it all better. It’s taken me many years to establish boundaries with my family and it doesn’t come naturally. I love them dearly. I think they’ve done an incredible job of parenting and I’m happy with how I’ve been raised. I’m thankful for the random pieces of advice and guidance I received while growing up. I think I was well equipped to survive.

I truly am invincible. My capacity for love is a quiet rock in my core. Trevor dying shattered my universe because I let it. I loved him. But more than that I felt a need to be with him as he died. I have a need to give. I can handle death. It doesn’t scare me and I know I will keep going. I was emotionally crippled for years and afraid to feel that pain while I was rebuilding. I was afraid that if I lost too much and added too much more pain while I was so raw that I wouldn’t recover.

I created Ryann Rain as a façade to protect me while I healed. I threw all my strength into her while I quietly licked my wounds in the darkness. It worked. I healed. I’m now fully capable of love again.

I’m a perfectionist. I think I should be able to do anything. I know I’m smarter than most and far more ambitious than many but I’m still lost. I need to be creating something, it doesn’t matter what. I want financial independence and I want a career that allows me to create something of my own.

I’m feeling weak because of the financial disaster I’m in. I’m angry about the car accident and resentful of what it robbed from me in the past year. I don’t feel emotionally ready to walk out from behind Ryann.

I’m 27 years old and I really don’t know what I want to do with my life. I wish I had a clear path.

Wikipedia defines "power" as the more or less unilateral ability (real or perceived) or potential to bring about significant change, usually in people’s lives, through the actions of oneself or of others.

How am I powerful?
Endurance
Love
Compassion
Ability to see and validate different experience
Education
Experience in the sex industry has increased my awareness and understanding of different social structures
Belief in the right to live and work in a safe and respectful environment
Ambition. I want to succeed
Perseverance
Personal drive and need to accomplish for myself, it’s an internal motivation.
Liberal studies and the skill to argue and dissect and argument.
Creative thought.
Passion
Friendship
Intelligence. I’m smart. I’m really smart.

My foundation is solid. I rebuilt from nothing and the structure is solid. I believe in myself. I know I will survive and when something crumbles I know I can pick it up again. My foundation is strong enough now to survive a fall intact. I’ve created a very strong foundation, stripped away all the weak bricks and systematically build my own core. I have taken many values and lessons from my childhood, retained the empathetic heart of my youth, strengthened it with inquisitive, loyal, and compassionate friendships, added a unique experience in the sex industry and incorporated the perceived underbelly of humanity and created my own values.

I’m strong. I’m always okay. My ability to cry is back and I’m better for it. I’m whole again. The belief that I can do anything — that’s what I need to get back. It used to be blind faith. It’s not anymore and I want it back.

I'm not ready to announce my "real identity" to the world just yet... it's enough that I'm starting to live it. I don't know if I'll continue this blog. I might have a lot to say... but I don't think it's as Ryann Rain anymore.

Closure.

I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know why I never noticed, but I didn’t. It hit me this afternoon like spring. I feel like I woke up and all the colours had changed. I don’t know when the Musician became one of my most significant relationships but I know that I’ll forever look back on those years as having changed my life and he was a part of it. We shared something… I may never find the words to do it justice. I still don’t know what it was.

Whatever our relationship was it worked out perfectly. I couldn’t wish for anything to be different. It’s far better than I ever could have hoped for and it’s beautiful. I feel like I was part of something amazing and I forgot to appreciate it. Looking back I can see how special it was but somehow I never realized how influential that relationship would become.

The Musician and I were never meant to be together but in that isolated affair we created a universe of acceptance, forgiveness, and passion united in secret. With him I was able to hide, recreate, heal, release, and be honest. It was real.

I’ve had the time and space to heal and detach from our affair. I’m remembering how much I enjoy his company. It’s no longer sexual. I’m no longer jealous. But it was special and I’m finding myself wanting him in my life again. I want to experience and appreciate the friendship that’s been there all along.

He was there for me when Trevor died. He was there when I collapsed. He was there when I ran away and he was there when I came home. He was there when I started stripping. He never left me when I was on tour. He never replaced me while I was gone. He looked forward to seeing me. He made me feel like a goddess. He was there when I needed to not think. He was there when I needed to be special. He was there when I needed the escape and he was there when it got real.

Musician, thank you for creating a safe environment for me to heal. Thank you for every silly and precious memory. I love you. I’ve loved you for years.

With every corner of my heart I wish him happiness. I want him to be with the woman he needs and the idea of him having found someone to really love him for who he actually is, pulls tears towards the surface. I’m more than happy for him. I’m proud of him.

I’m actually accepting that I’m heading in a new direction. My feelings for the Musician have faded into a cherished memory and I’m open to a future and a real relationship. I’m going to let it happen, see where it goes, and not be defensive. It’s good. I’m good. I’m really taking a new path. I’m really open to it. I’m really living it. I don’t want to take it for granted.

I’m ready now. I’m already walking the path but now I’m ready to stop looking back. I never could have predicted that the Musician would be such a valuable addition to my soul.

Vertigo

It’s so easy for me to forget that I have to write. It’s not like me to go a month without writing. It’s not good for me to go a month without writing but hopefully I’ll be back on track soon. I get caught up in real life, emails to answer, meetings to attend, piles of lists to sort through… it’s so easy to forget to write. I find myself wrapped in a bubble of stress as the world closes in around me but all I really have to do is write. It doesn’t even matter what. I just have to get all the little thoughts out of my head. So here I am.

I have flowers sitting on my desk from a couple of girlfriends, fiery red tulips and soft little daffodils. I love that it’s almost spring. I want to drop my winter coat off at the dry cleaner knowing that I won’t need it until next winter but it’s not quite warm enough yet… maybe a few more weeks.

I’ve been in an odd mood the past few days, unsettled. I’ve been swimming through mild stress but I think it’s the lack of predictability that’s not sitting well. Without dancing I don’t really know what I’ll be doing next week. I’m always busy and with Exotic Dancers for Cancer only a few weeks away my “To Do” list is never-ending but it’s not a schedule. I think I need something more. I need to feel like I’m doing something concrete.

I tried to work in Victoria a couple weeks ago—what a disaster. I made it through a day and a half before my body collapsed and I had to face the hard reality—I can’t dance. I’m still injured and I don’t know if my body will ever be in the condition to work full-time as a stripper again. It broke my heart all over again. I know I quit when Mugs closed but I told myself I was just taking a break. Part of me needs to believe that.

I’m not sure what this blog is going to turn into now that I’m not dancing. I’m still part of the industry but it’s different. I have Stiletto Storm and various other projects on the go but something doesn't fit. I suppose the direction of this blog will become apparent when my direction is more focused.

At some point in the past few weeks I realized that I like having someone in my life. I’ve always been okay alone and I’m terrified of allowing myself to need anyone. I’m not afraid of love. I’m afraid that I’ll wake up one day and I won’t be independent anymore. That’s what’s so comforting about Alexander. I’d always need to maintain my own life in order to survive him. Alexander has an incredible sixth sense for knowing when I’m leaving and he’s still very much around, emailing and texting, although I’ve been smart enough not to see him.

Things are good with Monkey. Hopefully sometime soon my insecurity about this relationship will fade and I’ll be able to relax not thinking that every time I see Monkey will be the last. It’s a leftover defense from my affair with the Musician. I was able to avoid getting too attached by never expecting there to be a next time. That doesn’t transfer so smoothly into... well anything.

I actually had a chance to catch up with the Musician this afternoon. It was nice to just be around him. He’s happy and we’re perfectly capable of sitting in the same room without ripping each other’s clothes off or even hinting at the idea. I love him and I’m really proud of him and I don’t want anything more. Somewhere along the way we became friends.

I’m in vertigo, a little unsettled, a little off balance but I’ll be okay. I guess I just have a few things to get used to. It’s not as comfy or as easy as I’d like. I’ll try to write more.