Starbucks!!

Starbucks. Yay! Starbucks with wireless. Double Yay!!
I'm in Grand Prairie... a real town complete with a walmart, london drugs, starbucks, and various chain restaurants... but I've had the whole day off... so I'm bored. although there's nothing like spending weeks alone to give you the opportunity to rediscover yourself.. I'm enjoying it.
I washed my car, went to a movie (I love going to movies alone), wandered around aimlessly, made my bed, and so far I have had two grande non-fat no whip pumpkin spice lattes.... mmmm starbucks!
I'm a little homesick, so I bought a care bear... and I'm missing school, doing other people's homework is only so satisfying. I want to do my own. I want to form these experiences into a cohesive and original comment... that will somehow help me find direction and allow me to put into context my journey in such a way that will make a difference. I want to write a thesis.
I'm also feeling the lack of community service in my life. I know it's temporary, and a result of living on the road, but I'm really missing volunteering. I think that's a good thing, I'm obviously feeling much more like myself if I'm missing volunteering, I've been so drained for so long that I didn't have anything to give...
In being so selective of what I reveal about myself to the people I meet, I am able to seperate and identify various characteristics within me that combine to define me, that perhaps I had lost touch with... stripper or student... Ryann or real.... I'm still me.

technically it's BC

Ft. St. John... technically it's BC, but it sure feels like AB. I'm sitting in the tourist centre stealing their wireless because... well I'm a nerd and the silly hotel knows nothing about internet.. but I'm sure I'll live.

this week is slow, it's too warm. not that I ever thought I would complain about warm weather but it's affecting my income. the ground hasn't frozen so everything is on hold waiting... waiting for snow. urgh. I bought a few winter things on the weekend so I don't end up a stripper popsicle... cuz that's hot.

most of my afternoon shows are cancelled, but I still have to check in just in case 10 guys have nothing better to do at 2pm on a wednesday when the sun is shining than hang out in the local peeler bar. I'm trying to enjoy the mellow week, and not stress about the lack of shows and $$. because I know from here I have a few exhausting weeks to get through. so I"m just going to drink hot chocolate, and watch CSI for another 4 days.

ok back to work...

random ramblings

well the break is over.. I'm back in Edmonton... having left the beautiful coast behind again. 8 weeks on the road... should be ... freakin cold!! no sign of snow yet, but I'm sure I'll see it soon enough.

... thoughts of the day...

What makes me so different from other women as a dancer?
A friend of mine asked me the other day in the bar.. "how do you do it? how do you get all these guys?"... it is a curious question, as I have often wondered why more women don't use their natural power. Is that what makes me different? Is that what makes me "the stripper"? understanding that game?

I think it's all in the ability to create a fantasy. I'm a tease. Talking to a man and knowing how to play it in order to be what he wants, to meet those specific needs... is that what makes me a dancer? but in playing that game so easily... it's easy to forget reality. they don't want me... they want the fantasy.

it's interesting... when I'm at work, wandering around a peeler bar most of the guys are really curious to get to know me, to talk. they want to know where I come from, where I'm going... and sure if I happen to want to sleep with them. but if I'm in a club with friends I automatically play the game. it's too easy. yes, I can walk into a bar and manipulate a situation to my immediate advantage and appear to have my choice of drunken guys. (joy!) but it's all an illusion, because not one of those guys sees me as anything more than a potencial lay. They might buy me a drink and hit on me, but not one of them would consider picking up the phone the next day...
the guy I meet in the strip club is more likely to want to know me, that the guy I meet at the dance club.... how the expectations and goals change. hmmm reasons I don't like to be in a bar outside of "work"

It's easy to mistake sexual power for real attraction.
eventually I'll want something real... eventually I'll have to learn to be something real... maybe that's what makes me different. Of course this is a means to an end... yes, I'm on a path and I have a future beyond dancing. But, I'm still "the stripper". A DJ friend of mine told me the other day... "you're a nerd, and one of the weirdest strippers I've met. you might not be crazy, but something happened in your life to make you able to do what you do. something made you numb"

True. ... and when I figure out how to get rid of that numbness... maybe I'll find something real.
but what about real attraction? what about the powerful forces between two people that bring you together in spite of circumstances or reality. Is that real? it might not be love, but it's powerful. it's a segmented and limited interaction... but maybe the secrets are more "real" than the sweet nothings of comfort. but maybe it's just an escape... maybe it just allows us to express something in ourselves that otherwise must remain hidden. maybe...


...maybe none of it is real... maybe it's all real.

affairs, crushes, and expectations

Do you ever wonder what image you are portraying? I do.

...or at least I'm starting to. As I'm becoming more aware of the games I play and the segmented roles I fullfill, I'm starting to analyze what impression I have on people.
There are friends who know me. who know my real name, my real life, my real story, dreams, goals, struggles, fears and hopes. friends who know where the jaded came from, who remember the idealism feeling so much more attainable.

Now, there are so many people that simply know me as Ryann. simple yet still accurate. In that environment I am that role. I play the fantasy, I think and act as Ryann... and it's so easy.
But then there is a handfull of people that were a part of the formation of Ryann, before "she" came into being. These are the individuals that I have had a relationship with outside of the normal confines of reality. These are the people that gave release to the manipulations of circumstances and fantasies before "Ryann" became her name... when she was still a shadow within me.

In creating Ryann I was able to give life to that part of me. I was able to give a name and an outlet for many of the actions, desires, and feelings I have juggled outside the acceptable realm of my life. though my closest friends always know what is going on, I've always kept certain situations and flirtations far far away from my social comforts... and I like them there.
But what I'm finding recently is that the role I play within that environment is Ryann. As true a part of me as anything else, now I can identify it... and I'm finding myself resenting the fact that "they" know my "real" identity. Because if I am Ryann, then in that moment, in that stolen reality I am Ryann, and I don't want that muddled with my "real life" because they have no connection with my real life, or my real self. they only know Ryann, just they know the wrong name.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense.. but I am a work in progress. so on to the thoughts of today....

I have a crush. certainly not an uncommon occurance for me. I usually have a crush of some sort... but I'm enjoying this one. I really have no way to know if the feelings are real or how much of it is afterglow idealism... but it's still a nice feeling.

I'm starting to want more... as Ryann is given so much time to explore and experience.. I'm finding myself wanting more in real life. I've spent three years avoiding that. Truely I don't know if I even know how to be in a relationship, and the logistics of being on the road so much force me to be selfish... I don't want to have unrealistic expectations... But I suspect a lot of my excuses are just defensive. I don't want to get hurt... and I've become so good at avoiding, manipulating, and lying that I even convince myself. I'm trying this new "honesty" thing... trying to actually realize that I do care, I do have emotions, and I do have hopes, and expectations... and maybe that's okay. This blog is a theraputic method of honesty... step by step... starting here.. if I can at least start to be more honest with myself....
because I do care.

as far as this crush goes... perhaps I should stop pretending that I don't care, or that it doesn't matter. perhaps I should give myself a chance and say somthing other than "don't worry about me, I don't want a relationship anyhow, it doesn't matter"... perhaps I ought to say "I like you. I don't know how or if it could work, but I want more than to be the booty call or the 'friend'"... perhaps I should say that....
perhaps I'm just too fucking terrified to leave myself that vulnerable. perhaps it's just easier to pretend I don't care and just play it cool. perhaps I know I'm still so jaded, I remember the pain too vividly.

relationships, flings, affairs, crushes, expectations broken hearts... none of it is simple... but perhaps through this blog I can start being honest with myself....

Home sweet sweet home!

Home sweet home... everytime I come back here I never want to leave. Drive west until you see ocean... and everything will be okay.

It was a pretty chaotic four weeks on the road, but I do have to say even rural alberta is pretty this time of year. all haystacks and orange leaves. Then through the rockies in the first snow of the season... the mountains are covered in glitter. But really as beautiful as the drive home was I breathe easier as soon as I see the ocean.

I've been home for a couple days, but I know the time is going to pass so quickly, I know I'm not going to want to leave. especially for 8 weeks on the road. I hear it snowed in AB already... urgh.
It's really is good to be home.