...the sex part always gets in the way...

Thoughts of the day...

Billy Crystal (Harry Burns): You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Meg Ryan (Sally Albright): Why not?
Billy Crystal (Harry): What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Meg Ryan (Sally): That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved. Billy Crystal (Harry): No you don't.
Meg Ryan (Sally): Yes I do.
Billy Crystal (Harry): No you don't.
Meg Ryan (Sally): Yes I do.
Billy Crystal (Harry): You only think you do.
Meg Ryan (Sally): You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Billy Crystal (Harry): No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Meg Ryan (Sally): They do not!
Billy Crystal (Harry): Do too.
Meg Ryan (Sally): They do not.
Billy Crystal (Harry): Do too.
Meg Ryan (Sally): How do you know?
Billy Crystal (Harry):Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Meg Ryan (Sally): So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Billy Crystal (Harry): No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Meg Ryan (Sally): What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Billy Crystal (Harry): Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Meg Ryan (Sally): Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Billy Crystal (Harry): I guess not.
Meg Ryan (Sally): That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

I'm inclined to believe it's true, despite me having male friends. I was listening to another dancer today in her frustration and disppointment in a man whom she thought was a friend. I listened to her hurt when he turned against her when unspoken expectations were not met.

I have male friends, but on some level I mistrust most of those friendships. I don't really believe that a 'single' man would want to be friends with me without alterior motives. I used to believe, but experience has shown me otherwise. I suspect that repetitive experience has been a significant factor in my protective defenses. To trust, to be open to a friendship, only to be discarded when the lack of sexual options becomes apparent is disheartening. To seek comfort in a friendship only to be cornered with physical expectations or attempts, causes me to question my value in the situation and renew my anger and frustration.

There is a real lack of human contact in my life right now. But I don't want it, because I don't want to deal with being treated like a...

***
Weirdo of the day... (This may become a new feature of my blog)

Tall, built, blonde hair, blue eyes, too smooth, very pretty... he was fun to flirt with, and entertaining to tease. Unfortunately he also proudly wore his wedding ring as he put his arm around me and tried to take me out for dinner, or... something. Married and trying to cheat with the stripper at 25 yrs old. ugh! I ducked the attempted kiss and told him I was going to go home and lay in bed and think about all the wonderful things we could have done if he wasn't married.

Tease? me? noooooo. creepy married kid that probably shouldn't be? yup. I did him a favour. gross.


In random happy thoughts...
I got my hair cut today. it's very old school Meg Ryan, but brown and red. I feel pretty.

AND it is officially December!!! Countdown is SO ON!!

Only on Tuesdays

Note to self: when everyone around you, while on the prairies, starts talking about snow expect to wake up to cold white powder (and not the kind people inhale to illicit feelings of euphoria and escape from the harsh reality of life)

Oh no, this is a true white powder high. Snow flakes are everywhere. Not the big fat fluffy ones that cause people like me to wander around in a zigzagged daze looking up at the sky with my tongue hanging out, but rather the tiny crystals that fill the air without any respect for gravity creating a fog of snow, and a sense of nothingness as they build up over time.

My first show isn't until 3pm today, and I'm still in my housecoat. It's lime green and oh so cozy. I have no desire to go outside, even less to do my hair and makeup first. It's a hot chocolate and movie day, not a spin around a brass pole day. Sigh, somehow I doubt they got that memo and people would be rather upset if I tried to explain my reasoning. So... soon enough I'll drag myself off this couch and get all pretty. Maybe the snow will cause it to be busy. I may not be able to use the snow to leave work, but I'm sure numerous oil boys, tradesmen, and random guys will use the snow to their advantage. (fingers crossed, I want your money boys)

I met the heir to the blue water mini-golf place last night. Anyone from home knows what I'm talking about; unfortunately the poor boy was very drunk and bragging about all the things his parents own. Really only amusing because I know the area. Sadly any guy that drunken defaults into listing off financial accomplishments, especially someone else’s, is either going to get used, manipulated or ditched. You don't want the women that want to hear about how rich your parents are. Ah well, I have little doubt that the disposable income of oil money will finance a great deal of escapist entertainment, and fuel the fantasies. For my part, I do appreciate it and I will try my best to resist the urge to go play mini-golf and say 'hey I met your son at a strip club. How is he? He said I could play for free forever."

Talking to an acquaintance yesterday, I was being teased about having fun and picking up guys on the road. My "I don't have sex in Alberta" line wasn't ending the conversation, nor convincing him that I've been as dull as I claim. So the conversation took a slightly more serious approach. I don't want to be with any guy that is going to treat me like 'the stripper’; if I meet someone in a strip club... it's often unavoidable. But for the record, I don't have sex in Alberta.

... and on that note I ought to do my makeup and get ready...

Back in cowtown

It's actually past 3am, but I keep my computer on pacific time, so it lies and says 2:11am.
I just got home from work.

It feels great to be back at Speakeasy. The Calgary clubs are clean, well designed and 100% professional.

But oh is that stage every slippery, and huge!!
(there's actually a tub that raises out of the stage, but it's broken right now. awww)


I had first and last show today, so it did make for a looong day (14 hours), but I'm so happy to be back in Calgary I don't even mind. Everyone I know seems to be yabbering about snow. I haven't actually SEEN any snow (aside from the light dusting that's been on the ground for a while), but jeepers do people talk about it a lot. Maybe I'll wake up to a snow covered world and it will serve me right for not talking about the potencial snow.

I wandered around chapters this afternoon, as I often do, and picked up a new book. I figure if I'm ever going to be a professional student and write about this experience I might as well start researching the subject... so I have begun my quest into women's studies literature. I've just started reading "promiscuities" by Naomi Wolfe. So far I've encountered very intruiging descriptions of women as either "moms" or "barbies".... ahh the virgin/ whore... prude/ slut dualities... more to come on that topic at a later date. I'm looking forward to learning more about feminist theory so I am better prepared to argue it.

There hasn't been an overwhelming TV presence in my life the past week, I think the lack of mind-numbing stimulation is good for me. Perhaps I'll read and write more, and zone out less. As tempted as I am to watch late night TV, I think I'm going to go read other peoples blogs and try to convince myself I'm tired...

Waiting for divine intervention

I warn you, this will not be the last time I circle around this topic...

I went to a Grey Cup party this afternoon with a friend (great game btw, even if you're like me and couldn't care less about football). It was a lovely afternoon, but I was very much reminded of how lost I am. I spend my days having repetitive surface conversations with strangers. But today I sat in a room of people, and for the first time in weeks I was aware of how unique my life is. I have become so comfortable in my alter ego, I falter when asked my name. I have always been outgoing and social, yet I find myself not wanting to talk, not wanting to be social, not wanting to participate in society. I don't want to explain myself, or bother to get to know people I won’t see again. I hesitated to answer such simple questions because it sounds so bizarre.

"Where do you live?"
... um... well... everything I own is in storage, in too many different cities, and I'm only ever 'home' for a couple weeks at a time. I don't live there, I don't work there...

"How long are you in town?"
a week.
"When are you back in town"
... two months? three months... not really sure.


Perhaps no one considers their life normal, but mine is certainly nothing even resembling a normal life. I have become so detached from the day-to-day reality where people have a social group of friends, careers, weekends off, a loving partner to share their day with, families, and the ability to make plans in advance.

I'm lost. I'm confused, and I'm wandering, waiting, wishing for some divine intervention to point me in the right direction. I want a meaningful and fulfilling career. I want to make a difference... I want something. I have absolutely NO idea what I want to do. A year ago I thought I wanted to be a doctor. But the world ended, and everything changed... What do you do after the universe implodes?

History of my ‘adult’ life... well…

Art school. diploma in visual art, mostly photography, used it as my minor.
Bachelor of Arts. liberal studies major. Wrote a lot, read a lot, debated a lot. Wandered around Italy for a few weeks, wrote more essays.
Worked as a photographer for many years, in and out of school.
Debated becoming a paramedic. Decided no.
Worked as an industrial paramedic.
Decided I should go to medical school... went back to school for science.
Dropped school to move home and suffered in a daze as I watched over my best-friend as he died of cancer...
Went back to photography.
In the haze of grief and survival I started dancing.

I feel weak admitting my lack of direction. I’m lost. Sure, I'm paying off my undergrad and saving for whatever life has yet to reveal to me. I hope I find direction soon. I'm having fun and learning an incredible amount about myself and human nature... but homeless, aimless, wandering feels so... well... aimless.

Oh vast universe... what is my purpose?






(the dancer from the fire is rumoured to have made it home alive, but other lives have been lost in the fire. prayers.)

Proud to be a stripper

.

http://www.edmontonsun.com/News/Alberta/2005/11/26/1324925-sun.html

We are not disposable human beings. A dancer is missing after a fire in Oyen, AB.

Between cell phones, txt mgs, and our website The Naked Truth, everyone I know is trying to find out who was working Oyen this week. It's amazing how quickly news travels these days, especially within a community... However I still have no word on who the dancer is. (praying she's alive)

I hate that this sad news is taking away from a positive thought.. but they really are related. The Stripathon was a huge success, and marks the beginning of a true community mind. I've stolen the following from TNT forum (credit to Alena Downs) http://www.nakedtruth.ca/forum/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=5207

I AM PROUD TO BE A DANCER!!!!! And I am proud of each and every girl who helped in raising almost $10,000 for Brooke London!!!!Showgirls was awesome!!!! Over 30 girls...5 silent auctions, Polaroids, Door draws!!!! I WANT TO CRY!!! I AM SOOOOOOO HAPPY!
This is the first benefit of its kind for a dancer. We, as dancers, have no form of disability benefits, pension, WCB, or EI! I am estatic that we, as dancers, have banded together to help one of our own!!I would love for this to be a first of many efforts to help out those of us in dire need!!

She said it best. I'm glad I could be a small part of this event. I hope I can be a large part of future events. This is a community. Though thrown into the wind, friends may not meet for months, and paths may rarely cross, we are a community of independant and powerful women. I'm so proud to call myself a stripper today.

my prayers are with this unknown woman tonight.

Naked for charity

I'm cold.
for some reason getting up, walking to my room, and getting a sweater seems absurd. Hmm I likely would have remained cold for another hour if I hadn't written that down. but in writing I sound silly... so... (wanders away) ... I got a sweater. I also made popcorn.

why is it that waiting 5 min for popcorn is too long? why oh why do I pace and stare at the microwave bored for the entire 90 seconds it takes to heat up my soup. I can't even wait for it to finish beeping because.. well... because... I don't know. It's not like I have anything better to do.

I'm done being sad about my friend. I know that may sound fickle, but I stared at the ceiling and hugged my carebear for hours last night. I didn't actually cry because most of the time I don't remember how.

But that was yesterday. Today is Saturday!! and THAT means the week is over. I have two more shows tonight, then I get my pay and skip to my car, ready for the next town. I have been in a fabulous mood all day. it started when I got to work for my first show of the day. Overnight they had Christmasized it (it's a word now people). So all around my stage there are twinkle lights and garland. it's shiny, and sparkling and oh so christmasy!!!

So I bounced around, giggled, and wished everyone a happy christmas... and they threw money at me.

then I proceeded with my day... Good Deed for the day: GOT NAKED FOR CHARITY. check.
the Stripathon was today. it was rushed, but fun... really it was a lot of boobs. I have no idea how much money was raised, but I'm glad I was able to participate.

then I went back to work. (I promice I won't do many of these silly play-by-play of my life stories) So, once again me being bouncy and happy, I was dancing to Britney Spears. say what you will, it's great stripping music. There was an old guy in front row who was groovin with me. Now he had moooooves. Beside him was a quiet kid who just stared at me with bambi eyes for the entire set.

Another 20something guy was sitting at a table with his buddy. he had a nice smile and caught my attention. Primarily because he was amused by my show. I mean really, I get naked for money. How can you take that seriously?

I stopped to talk to 20something guy after my set. we talked about art school (been there), photography (done that), graphic design, video editing, and the randomness of life. Yep, I'm a photographer. I got bored. So now I'm a stripper. sigh... 'tis true.

I'm waiting for the clouds to part and some divine intervention to appear and say "You. You will do _______ for a career, and it will be everything you've ever wanted" I fear I'm going to have to dedicate some serious mortal energy to this quest. Because I really really really need to figure this out, someday.

What do you want to be when you grow up? A Stripper? Coming soon to a blog near you (this one) "Help me find my path"...

but until the light shines on the career of choice that is out there waiting for me, I'm trying start being aware of the world again. specifically canadian politics.

Oh I'm guilty.

I try to pay attention, I really do... but Ottawa just seems like a poorly written sitcom. The characters are interesting enough, and it is canadian... so I feel I ought to support it. But it's simply to painful to watch.

I know I'm going to have to start paying attention to politics again. ugh.

My hometown just survived a heated municipal election. Instead of participating I was dressed up as a kitty cat in a bar in northern alberta. (meow) Thankfully my friends and family saved the town and all the people I would have voted for are now busy running around trying to salvage that confused city I call home.

(Stripper girl looks at the clock and runs off to the bar......... ) end post.

Goodbye old friend

I may write a more positive post later... but at this moment my heart feels like a lead brick.

The sun is sparkling and it's impossible to tell what season it is. The world seems to be content today. It's one month til Christmas and I'm feeling mildly festive. I want to bake cookies and decorate gingerbread.

Instead I have spent the afternoon staring at my computer screen trying to find a voice for my gut, trying to put to words one of those conversations you have with the ceiling. I wonder if it's because I'm a stripper. I have no example to use as proof, but a nagging feeling in my gut that my job is very much a contributing factor. I don't know how dancing has changed me, only that it does.

So I stare at the ceiling, and then at the bubbles in the fish tank. I've always wanted a bubble wall. bubbles make me happy. Like rainbows, they are perfect and pure. But back to the task at hand...

How do you walk away from old friends leftover from highschool? The old friend you shared so many stories with... first kiss (and other stuff), first boyfriends, first broken hearts. How do you cherish the memories, but realize the faults and let that innocence die. How do you decide, "I can't do it anymore"?. How do you seperate comfort and history, and come to accept that the past does not guarentee a future... that memories do not make up for hurt. How do you decide to close the chapter? I'm fragile. I've been slowly working up the courage to send an email... to voice my heart... to somehow end the limbo and the unease... and walk away. I did. sent. (now I might cry)

Dear friend,

I give up. I don’t know what else to do.

I’m really hurt that you didn’t contact me after that night in Edmonton. I felt really disrespected and dismissed. I felt that you had no desire to understand my perspective, or respect my priorities. I was hurt that you didn’t invite me shopping or include me in the weekend. I felt like I was an excuse to party, rather than a person to be included and considered. I felt really uncomfortable hanging out in the bar. It’s my job, not my entertainment.

Possibly our expectations of friendship are on totally different planes now. Maybe they always were. I had hoped that you would make an effort to contact me, but I know that it’s not fair to expect people to behave as you wish. To me, friendship is as important as any relationship and requires time and effort. Maybe I’m missing something, but being single my friends are my life.

Maybe I’ve become “the Stripper” in the eyes of people who once knew me. Maybe I’m incapable of explaining my life, or what it’s like. Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe we have nothing left to share. Maybe I’m unable to understand or appreciate your situation or choices. I'm truly sorry if I've hurt or disappointed you in any way. I’m not trying to be anything other than myself. I’m not trying to hurt or mislead anyone. I’m not trying to do anything but rebuild my life, maintain true friendships, and grow as a person.

I can’t chase you anymore. I need to clear this from my head before I develop any more bitterness. I’m disappointed. I don’t feel that you value our friendship, or are willing to make any effort to repair it. I’m not willing to carry it anymore, or forgive transgressions that have not been addressed or resolved. It hurts my heart.

I didn’t want to call you last weekend, I’m still feeling very fragile. But, I put that aside and tried to make one more attempt. That you didn’t return any of my calls, or meet me half-way leads me to conclude that your priorities do not include our friendship. I made more than one attempt, and as painful as it is for me, I can’t make any more. I don’t want to build up any additional anger or resentment. For me, I have to walk away with as few hard feelings and regrets as possible. Goodbye old friend. I wish you enough.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright, enough rain so you can appreciate light. I wish you enough music to raise your spirits, enough silence so you can hear it. I wish you enough happiness to make you glow, enough pain to make you grow. I wish you enough intelligence to make your way, enough innocence to enjoy the day. I wish you joy. I wish you love. I wish you peace. I wish you enough.

I have no life

I have no life.

Not that this is really news to anyone that knows me, but still I'm making it the statement of the day. So I've been reading random blogs... and I have to keep reading more because people don't write as often as I get bored.

Some of the most entertaining ones seem to be "mommy blogs". the day-to-day circus that is family. I have a lot of fun giggling at other people's children. I have fun giggling at my own family. Someday if I ever consider getting into a relationship (don't hold your breath) maybe I'll giggle at my own kids. but that's a million years away, and I'm convinced I'll be the last.

I love my family. I cherish my relationship with them and all the odd things they do that make it special. I love getting random phone calls from my daddy just to check on me. I love talking to my brother on his birthday and hearing my mom in the background hissing "Say thank you. Did you say thank you for the present?!" I love hearing about soccer games and karate and being cut off and hung up on when my brother gets bored of talking to me.

I sometimes take it for granted that everyone has a positive relationship with their family. But when I sit in the bar and talk to strangers, or other dancers I realize how fortunate I am. So often people are surprized to learn that my family knows I dance, and that they are supportive. My family loves me. Unconditional love is felt with such an innocent trust. A faith that has never been betrayed or questioned and so it remains as pure as Santa to a child.

I'm homesick, but not in a sad, pouty way... in an amused appreciative way. I'll see everyone soon. There's something special about sisters. Random phone calls, absurd txt msgs "make a wish", just talking and giggling about nothing. I always miss her. when I started dancing I told her first, I got a loving response of "gah! ew! you naked! blaaaaaaah!!" (with gagging noises)

...and my mom "so, naked? hmm dancing naked? ok. did you get the mail I sent you?"

I think my entire family has the attention span of a goldfish. Of course I'm the one searching other people's lives to keep myself amused, so I guess it's genetic.

Thanks Mom! I love you.

and in true form of ... (ooh look a kitty)... huh what?

I washed my car today... meaning of course that I drove through the touchless car wash at Esso and listened to loud music. So now my car is shiny and red again, though still a little dented, it is shiny!! I love simple pleasures leftover from the days of birthday parties with paper plates and matching napkins with popular cartoon characters. Watching the water swoosh over the whole car and the whole world disappearing in the thunder of soap and foam. It reminds me of falling asleep listening to the melody of rain splashing off the roof.

Pink clouds

The clouds were pink this afternoon. The days are short, but it's the only thing that feels like winter. It's warm, there's still no sign of snow, and it feels like spring. The cotton candy colours reminded me of a book from my childhood, a time of simple stories and simple solutions.

I'm having trouble isolating what is on my mind today, too many thoughts, too many emotions. I'm thinking about my friend... my friend who died of cancer almost 8 months ago. I'm thinking of another friend who will soon loose his father to cancer. I'm thinking about what kind of friend I am, and what I have to offer. I'm wondering how I decide which friendships to rekindle, and which old friends I leave behind. I'm thinking of the process of grieving, of loss... of rebuilding.

I'm counting down to Christmas, I'm looking forward to going home and seeing my friends and family. Yet in the back of my mind I know it will be my first Christmas without him. I know Christmas Eve he won't be sitting next to me in church. I won't be able to rest my head on his shoulder as we sing "silent night".

I'm thinking about how much my life has changed this year, how much I've changed. I miss my friend.
oh well... back to work.

Too sober for trash

I'm raging!

I wish I didn't have as many frustrated posts. I wish they weren't all from Edmonton. I wish I had one good thing to say about the clubs in this city. but I have never had a good week in this city.

so... my schedule... last two shows at 6:50 and 10:30. well apparently the 10:30 isn't a show because of amateur night. so in all reality I was done work at 7:30 this evening... but the bar couldn't be bothered to tell me until I show up at for my 10:30 show. even though they know weeks in advance.

when I ask, "um, why didn't you call me? or let me know, or do anything before now?" the DJ calls me a princess bitch, and threatens to fire me. tells me to loose the attitude before he replaces me. sigh... because oh obviously I need this week of work... I'm so tempted to just go home. I don't need it. I don't need him, or that bar, or this city! But I really do try to conduct myself in a professional manner, I treat this as a regular job. I treat people with consideration and respect... I'm always surprized and disappointed when I don't get it in return. hmm maybe I still am idealistic.

oh oh how I love pretty boy white trash.. I bet he beats his girlfriend. someone like that obviously has no respect for women, and feels the need to trash strippers to make himself feel like a man.

call it napoleon complex, call it asshole, a mentality like that.. I call it "Trash"

The Naked Truth

I'm happy today. all my christmas shopping is done, and wrapped! there is no stress... just impatience.

we have a charity strip-a-thon on saturday for a dancer who was injured in a car accident recently. Showgirls, Edmonton. I'm glad I can be in town to participate. I don't actually know her, but of course I can spare an hour of my time to help out a fellow dancer. I hope this sense of camaraderie continues to grow. I blame "The Naked Truth" website. It's an amazing site for and about strippers. The women involved are awesome. For an inside glimpse into the world of peelers, at least canadian ones... check it out.

http://www.nakedtruth.ca/

more pics

a dear friend of mine informed me that the world needs to see more pictures. while I do suspect he may have alterior motives... I guess a few more wouldn't hurt.

I'm in Edmonton this week. it's relaxing but I really just want to get home... ... back to the mountains, back to the ocean, back to my friends, back to the life I want to enjoy and explore at home.

For the record... I do NOT look like this, and neither does that supermodel. But I'm sharing these photos because I think it's amazing what can happen with 2 hours of hair and makeup, and incredible lighting... not to mention a fabulous photographer. I feel like a superhero!!

TGIF

It's friday. TGIF in every way possible.
I'm sitting in my car stealing wireless from some unsuspecting source.

the sky is blue and it's warmer today. I'm still wearing a touque because it's only early afternoon and I haven't done my hair yet. An older woman just came up to my car to borrow my cell phone. I'm lacking in faith and patience for humanity today, so I lied. "No, sorry I don't have a phone on me." she just wanted a cab, I figured she could ask the bar she just came out of.

as 'shuffle' would have it, one of my favourite songs just started playing ...

I love, I say things seem clearer on the sea-to-sky-highway
It's warm, it's not, but that changes day-to-day
Time is slowly rearranging my face
And my eyes are growing lines
My honesty is in hiding
It’s the evacuation of everything good in my mind
I’m without and I lack it But things are perfect, things are fantastic
It's an error, it's not It’s a catalogue of errors one by one, shot by shot
Time is slowly dragging down the me
My eyes are rolling back, I can’t see
The honesty’s heading south in a vee
The whispering has stopped probably till next spring.

...

an older guy sat in the bar for 3 hours last night waiting to talk to me, trying to catch a glimpse of who I am in the hopes that his fantasy could be real. I regretfully did not live up to the offer. he spoke of money and beauty and all the things he wanted to buy me. he told me I was beautiful, and special, and unlike anyone he'd ever met. sadly, I'm have little doubt he'll tell the same things to the next dancer.

my plumber friends sat with me and talked about nothing until it was dinner time. I'm going to miss them today. they were kind, funny, and genuine.. and guarenteed to there everyday. but today they went to Edmonton. yet another random encounter with passing strangers... never to be seen again.

a young guy was respectful and curious, and wanted a private dance for him and his friend at their hotel. I was respectful and honest... I don't do 'favours', I dance. and without a personal bouncer that I trust, I don't do private shows at all... and there is no one in this town that I trust. he was understanding and kind... and he left.

a young kid was drinking with his friends. he wanted a magnet. In his enthusiasm he threw loonies too hard. I was tired, and grumpy, and not feeling very personable. I told him nicely to be careful. I'm delicate. he laughed and threw them harder. It's been a long week and I'm emotionally raw. I wanted to cry. I yelled at him that I'm human and told him where he could shove it. I refused to give him a magnet.

I like it when the sun shines. It makes for a more enjoyable people watching environment. I will likely not return to this town, but every bar and every town has its character. My faith in humanity is precarious these days. I may be very effective at maintaining a wall of ice around me... yet it surprizes me when someone tries to intentionally dehumanize me.

I'm looking forward to the journey home and the slow rebuilding of my faith. I'm looking forward to Christmas. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that I am loved and missed. That I am real and valued as a friend, and as a person... not as a stripper.

Thank you friends.

creeps

phone call to my hotel room today. gotta love the dancer room being common knowledge.

perv: hey is this ryann?
me: who's this?
perv: so you wanna party tonight?
me: not really on my list of things to do. No.
perv: wanna make some extra money?
me: No.
perv: lots of money. I have money, for later. come party
me: No. not tempting. who are you?
perv: I was in the bar the other night.
me: um. ok. that's nice
perv: so you think about it
me: hmm done thinking. No.
perv: I'll call you later
me: No. (hang up. and check to make sure my door is still locked)


so basically I'm not overly impressed with the male species today. it's gonna be one of those days... and work hasn't even started.

Slave Lake

so if anyone ever comes up to you and says "hey, dude. let's go to Slave lake, it'll be fun."

Say NO! cuz they LIE!

this is a small town, and not in a quaint way. it's small in a smoke random substances to stay awake kind of way.

so... not smoking or drinking anything harder than gingerale. I'm bored.

new promo.

I feel pretty.

.not this time.

I'm thinking about "friendship" that has disappeared.
Not disappeared as in alien abduction.. but vanished from my day-to-day reality. vanished as a result of life, of choices, of emotions and expectations that were never spoken.

...and contemplating whether it's a positive or negative thing. I wonder... do you think of me? do you miss me? do you wonder if I miss you?

“Is she still dancing?” Why? Would you call me if I wasn’t? Does it really matter? Would you love me and cherish me and protect me if I wasn’t ‘the stripper’? Does it really bother you that much? A temporary occupation that you said you encouraged. Did you lie? or did you judge me? or did I ask you to handle too much?

Or have I changed? Is it me? I’ve lost three people since I started dancing. All three who were supportive and encouraging of me starting. I can’t help but think my job has impacted these relationships. Of course these are relationships leftover from high school... and perhaps we all outgrow friendships. But it still hurts. I miss my memories.

I'm sure I've changed. but I can't isolate how, and I'm not sure if it's just a natural process of growing as an individual.

I’m lonely. I’m resentful of these friends that have walked away. I feel judged and discarded. And perhaps a lot of that comes from being a product, an image… but I feel like a disposable human being.

I’m not suffering or lacking in friends. I have amazing friends, that love me, that care. I feel alone at times when I'm so far away from my family and friends but my phone bill suggests I keep in close touch, and I do. it's almost time to begin the journey home. just a few more weeks and I'll see the ocean again.

No more bullshit. No more games. No more manipulations. No more unspoken expectations. I miss someone. I do. I miss my old friends, and I miss someone. But I'm real. Real feelings, real disappointments, real desires, real dreams.

I'm done faking it.

Sometimes there's nothing I would rather do than make the effort to reopen that door... but I won't. I want more. I want more for myself than what I lost. I can't open myself to that hurt again. I can't be the one to make the first move. Not this time.

...not this time...

11-11

Eleventh day, of the Elevanth month... The day I hope we all pause for a moment to remember.

It felt very strange today to be out of uniform, to be so far away from the life I'm used to. But I did have the opportunity to attend the service. Curious how similar the ceremonies are, regardless of the town. Uniforms, wreaths, veterans, and cadets... bagpipes and poppies.

I'm far away from home, far away from my real life, from the life I strive to build... far away from those individuals who are in my heart and in my memory. I'm taking a moment to think of those men and women who have, and who continue to serve.

Lest we Forget.

Character... pass it on

Character.. pass it on... I like that commercial. There are quite a few commercials I like these days, obviously I'm watching too much TV. but I like that someone is promoting and advocating how one voice can make a difference. I hope so...
Character… strength… social accountability… acceptance…

Why is our society still so far from what we preach, and proclaim to the rest of the world. Why is there still so much racism and discrimination?
Why is close-minded ignorance something to declare with arrogance?

I’m here to make money. But it makes me sick to my stomach every time I hear these people brag about how rich and superior Alberta is, how proud they are. How wonderful it is because it’s not full of Chinese like “Hong-couver”. The intolerance is blatant and repulsive. Am I enabling the bigotry by flirting? Am I undermining progress by living on the oil money this province is so self-righteous about?

It’s revolting.

I don’t pretend to approve. I refuse to smile and bat my eyelashes and play the “stupid stripper”. I’m not some bimbo that exists to be some rig pig’s blowup doll. Yup, that's me... the girl wandering around the bar in stilettos and lingerie debating and challenging the red neck manifesto.

I condemn the discrimination, and I do defend the cultural diversity and tolerance I have been so accustomed to on the west coast. Of course there is discrimination in Vancouver, but here I feel like I've gone back in time. Back to a time of fear-based ignorance and religious tunnel vision.

It saddens me to hear such close-minded views so prevalent in a country that positions itself as a leader in equal rights and acceptance.

I make it known, everyday, that I am proud to defend this country and the ideals it strives to achieve.We may not be there yet, as is so evident in this petroleum permeated region that seems to be so detached from the social integrity of Canada. But, I am going to take this money and use it towards my education. I’m going to use this money and this experience to help me find my social voice, so that someday I can be an advocate and a positive contribution to my community as we slowly move towards the society pledged in our national documents.
I hope someday we get there.